Research Proposal

Okay, I have been busy with my life recently.  I went home to Philippines and went back to Japan to take the JLPT N2 level examination last December 1.  I was studying Japanese everyday and reading all the long Japanese passages for the reading comprehension section and memorizing all the grammar uses of certain Japanese expressions, and of course Kanjis.  I got a bit crazy since I crammed everything and studied for the exam only for less than 2 months.  without any teacher explaining to me.  Anyway thats done.  I gotta write another post about JLPT examination itself.

So now that I got back from Japan, I am starting to prepare myself to go to Switzerland, meet my future professor and colleagues and also study at ETH Zurich! Yey!  So recently I saw the updated 2013 Shanghai university rankings.  Osaka University was somewhere ranked at 85 in the whole world.  ETH Z ürich, on the other hand, was ranked at 20.  That's 20 for pete's sake! And it's pretty high!

Okay, I admit that I am overwhelmed and I am really really excited to go to Zürich.  In fact, I have already bought my plane ticket about a month ago.  When I went to Japan last week I have already done some winter clothes shopping, since I am expecting Zürich to be very cold when I arrive there on the 5th of January.  Last time I checked, winter temperatures can reach up to about -20 degrees Celsius.  That's REALLY cold.  and I'm coming from 28 degrees celsius btw.

Anyway, so I have already prepared a list of things to do this December.  Of course I have to study for Chemistry.  I mean, I have to show off somehow.  LOL.  I checked the profiles of my future colleagues there and I must admit it was a bit intimidating.  Not only were they from top ranking universities around the world, they also looked older than me.  Okay, I guess I really need to pull myself together.

So in this past week I was reading about chemistry, the new lab's research, etc.  I have to know about their topic and I have to at least have some ideas on making a new molecule.  I want to impress my future boss and colleagues altogether.  I am also studying how to make a good first impression at work, especially I am meeting them on January 6, right after I arrive there.  I want to look my best by dressing properly and I need to work on eye contact and smile, firm handshake.  I have to appear very professional, even though I am probably younger than most, if not the youngest of my colleagues.  I have to arrive there early and prepared.  Even though I think I will be on jet lag during that time, I need to hide it.  I have to re-read that book Convince them in 90 seconds or less.  This book really helped me a lot.

Next in line would be Research.  Research. Research.  I gotta think of a good idea.  Something which has never been done before.  To do that I have to know about their research.  I have to rethink everything and I have to know what to expect.  I can't go there unprepared.  So I have been reading about their research.  and i have already guessed which kind of research will be assigned to me.  I have been doing this for two days now, but its not easy thinking about a new topic.  something somebody has never done before. I need to learn more about basic chemistry, this will help me somehow.

Anyway, i was supposed to write about the things i thought of today, but anyway, i am feeling tired of blogging now, maybe tomorrow or day after the next i will write about it!

Ciao!

Memoirs from my college days: a reflection of my college life

Dear blogger,

Sometimes i think about my college days.  i sometimes log in my facebook account to check on my old college classmates cause i wonder what they are doing now.  

I was a part of a biochemistry class with about 40 students in the freshman year.  By the end of the second semester of the freshman year, only half of the students without fail remained.  Some already were shifting to other courses and others were retaking the same courses because a lot have failed.  I tried my best to stay on track and pass everything.  I gave my all for me not to repeat anything.  By the time our class have reached the second year, we were getting fewer and fewer and most of us got separated because of schedule conflict.  Those who had failures had to change their schedules from the pre-set schedules given by the administration because they were not regular students anymore.  My circle of friends became fewer and fewer too because everyone was separate and the only people i went with were the ones without failures.  I was with them during lunch time and so on.  Actually, i should be happy that i was one of the students who were passing everything one semester after another.  But actually, the fewer we got, the tougher the competition became. 

Some, or most, of the students who were left were the ones competing for the top spot.  Not only that, they were also proud.  Although they had good grades, their characters were questionable.  It is somewhat surprising to me in the beginning, but i didnt want to be the one who was defeated, so i kept on fighting.  On our final year as biochemistry, only five or so people remained without any failures and who were expected to graduate on time.  I was not close to any of my classmates.  Neither were they close with each other.  Nobody was close with whoever amongst the five. And what.the.fuck.  We should've been closer, but we grew further apart.

I got a scholarship to study in japan when i almost graduated from my undergrad, and many of them got envious of me.  I could tell from their words.  

Surprising thing is, those who had worse grades or those with the not so good grades were kinder...

Those who had high grades, on the other hand, were the ones who said really mean things to me...and we spent more time together because we passed each subject together..

Or maybe, this trend is not surprising at all...

I graduated and i was the only one selected to go to japan for further education.

It seems impossible.  I was not the smartest in our class that is probably why they didnt expect me to get the scholarship.  At that time, i just wanted to graduate from my university and i never wanted to be with those people again. They were the worst people. And thats why i worked so hard to keep my cool and pass everything. I didnt want to spend one more day again in my university.

Fast forward to today... I was just thinking.... Did i enjoy my college life?

I actually dont know. I think i didnt enjoy it. High school life was acceptable, but i wont say i really enjoyed it too.  College life, well, i didnt enjoy it. I enjoyed my college life mostly because of my professors who i learned from, but regarding those people? No, i didnt.  

Those who had failures, they had the time to go on bars on saturday nights,.. Those who failed, they had time to play computer games.  they had money to spend for one more semester.  They had the time to join the organizations which took up their time.

As for me, i didnt have those. Every monday to thursday, we had lecture days.  Fridays i had to do some lab work. Saturdays, i had to study for exams the following week and i also had to balance that with family time.  Of course, i have to watch a movie with my family.  No matter how busy school is.  

Sundays are for church.  The whole morning i will be in church.  We usually got home by 2 pm, sometimes 3, and the rest of the afternoon until evening is for siesta and studying. So you see how much time i actually have remaining for all the things i had to study.  And that is not so much. I endured a lot. I suffered a lot to pass everything. In the end i didnt enjoy. Was it worth it to pass everything then?

Of course it was worth it.  If i had stayed for one more day there, i wouldnt be happy i think. I would be in a worse situation.  Even though i dont have a lot of friends, most of my acquaintances know me as one of the smartest in our class. I wasnt the smartest but at least i passed everything. And i was lucky, i was the only one given the scholarship. The top students hated me or envied me for that...

I admit that i envy those people who had good friends in college.  For example, my sister had a wonderful, college life.  In fact, she loved it so much that she didnt want to graduate lol :)) she had quite a few good friends too.  I envy those people who have a class picture.  In my class we only had one photo, and that was during our freshman year, but at the end of the biochemistry course, we all went our separate ways already.  We never had our own class picture.

I am just telling this story cause nobody really knew what happened in my college days. Just for documentation's sake.  Now that i think back, yea, i didnt have a great high school life, i most certainly didnt have a great college life, but i now i am having a great graduate life.  I have become independent and mature and i have realized many things which cannot be learned inside a classroom.  I saw and i experienced those things which cannot be experienced within my own country.  I am moving toward a brighter future. And that is the best thing now in my life.  Since i was a child, i perhaps knew already that i would be making a lot of friends from different countries, and not only friends from my country.

I dont even know if i am making sense to you now... Hahaha...

Anyway thank god, thank the universe, for making this all work, and at the end, i win.

So in life, the most important things are these: hard work and positivity.

I may sound like a depressed kiddo to you though.  I should say that i have this thing i noticed with myself: i could not easily forget those things which have hurt me.  There were also a lot of happy times in my college life, and with those same people, but they hurt me at one point, and they have hurt me intensely, and so that's why that is the only thing i remember. The hurt.  I am like this.  The happy memories get overshadowed by the painful ones.  

I didnt tell you that i joined a competition for pre-medicine students from other schools, and it was a happy memory for me.  Of course i have more happy memories.

The thing that i realize now is that, i really didnt have confidence at that time.  I didnt believe in myself and in my capabilities,  although i was doing fine in school, i was not confident of my actions and of myself. --- and that is important in life, you know?

Anyway--- this blog post is to be continued.

Siomai

I don't know you guys, i think since cooking is similar to chemistry in some ways, i might turn this blog into an experiment blog.  I am usually experimenting with either chemicals, or different types of flavor for food. 

Let me just give you one of my experiments today: siomai.

For those of you who are unaware, siomai is a chinese pork dumpling.  (Well you can put seafood in as well..) anyway, yesterday, chef taught us how to prepare this excellent dish. It looked something like this:

Actually, it tastes even better than it looks.  It was amazing.  Flavors were good and strong.  I liked it so much. I brought home some and my parents liked it too.

So i wanted to try it again. After all, the recipe wasnt so difficult. 

Yesterday i bought some pork for preparing this. 

This afternoon i prepared it by myself.

Unfortunately, the taste was not so good.

So trial 1 of siomai failed.

There are only two possible reasons:

1. The pork was already old

2. I put in too much shitake mushroom

I based my first postulate on my mom's suggestion, who is a good cook.  Also, the way the pork tastes, based on my own judgement... The pork indeed tastes old.  It didnt taste so good.  It tastes a bit expired.  I wasnt sure though.

The mushroom idea came from mom.  For me i dont think it was too much, but it is still a possibility.  

Therefore in the next trial, i would like to buy a fresher pork to use, and less mushroom.  Then lets see if this will change the flavor.  Hopefully i get it next time.

Although not good tasting, i still took a photo of my own siomai first trial which is still uncooked. 

It looked something like this.  It is still raw (i didnt put it in the steamer anymore, because the first few siomais didnt taste well. ) anyway i took the photo for remembrance's sake. 

Next trial, i hope to do better.  

The taste was bad but not so bad... It was just the meat taste was not so good. 

I want that same taste of siomai as the chef did! I wanna be a good chef!!! :) 

Home sweet home

For some reason, i feel like writing a blog today.  Okay. Let me continue about what happened AFTER i got back home.  I went back home because of the visa procedures to switzerland.  Later on i found out that i didnt actually have to go home for the procedures because everything will be done in switzerland.

Anyway, as i was saying, i went back home last october 7.  It was a monday.  I booked this ticket which cost me about 18000 yen (~9000php), including a 30kg baggage allowance.  I did not hAve anymore money with me, except for the two thousand yen left in my wallet.  I had no more iphone with me, no credit card with me.  I just thought of going home.  I did not know the actual weight of my baggage, whether or not it will exceed 30kg because i only booked 30kg.  If it exceeds, then i would have to pay. But i forgot to think about that. I was so busy that day that i forgot to think about the possibility of exceeding the baggage weight limit and that i should bring extra money for that.  Luckily, when i was at the check in counter, we weighed my luggage and it was exactly 31kg.  I had to remove 1kg only, (thank god) and i did.  When i returned back to weigh it in again, it was 29.5kg. I sure deserved a pat on the back because of the pretty accurate estimation.  Lol. *good job, eli! *

I was back here by about 8pm philippine time.  The flight was boring, there was absolutely nothing to do.  As soon as i saw my mom who was there to pick me up from the airport, i was happy.  I am meeting my parents and i am home.

Of course, i miss japan life.  Well, i can never go out at night here in my country. I can never drink with other girls and go home at 12 and feel safe. I can never go on dates here (at least ask my parents for permission).... I knew that so well.  Luckily i got to apply one of the things i learned last 2012.  Live the moment. Every moment i spent in japan, especially the last few days, i lived it. I savoured every moment as if a hungry dog was savoring all the flavors from a well cooked meat.  I did not want to miss out on life and i didnt want to regret leaving japan, and so i took advantage of the moment. I did EVERYTHING I WANTED TO DO, ESPECIALLY THE THINGS WHICH I COULD NEVER DO IN MY COUNTRY.
And i enjoyed. A LOT.

As soon as i was back home, i studied japanese. I am taking JLPT. i thought about taking this exam or not.  I thought and said that, i stayed in japan for three years.  Sure i got my degree, and i suffered a whole fucking lot for it.  Sure i gained friends, sure, i gained wisdom and experience.   But is that all there is i can get? What else can i get? I said to myself that, if i am leaving in japan and i suffered a lot here, i will make sure that i also get something good for myself out of the suffering.  And that is precisely why i am taking jlpt. I am getting myself a certificate for getting a recognition for my japanese capability and who knows? It may be my additional source of income one day.  You can never tell.  Besides, it is a good credential.

Of course, it is not a walk in the park.  My level is not that high, especially i stopped learning japanese.  I am taking a high level jlpt n2, and for that i need to work my ass off. So thats why i am spending my time learning japanese.

Aside from learning japanese, i have also studied cooking asian cuisine.  For the past week, i have learned how to cook thai, vietnamese, japanese, korean, and chinese food.  I tried to cook some dishes by myself at home, without the assistance of chef, but i couldnt quite perfect it.  Anyway, it was a first trial, so its actually okay.

I have been trying to prepare food for the past few days, and i hope i could become a good chef.  I want to have a small coffee shop or restaurant someday, so i need to learn cooking and baking... Besides, i am a chemist... And chemists, by default, should be good cooks.     Especially, organic chemists. Lol.

So i am practicing cooking and japanese.  What else? I also have watched lea salonga, lisa macuja, and cecile licad's last performace together in one stage.  Oh they were amazing.  They were three godesses in one stage. I am so happy i was able to watch them. I mean they are world renowned and other people from other countries would watch them for more than what i paid for.  Actually, since i am currently unemployed and bankrupt because of shopping for books and clothes, i asked my mom to buy me a ticket.  The ticket at the far end, the cheapest available one, was at 2000php.  Though it was far from stage, it was okay, i could still see them.  And hear them. Lol.  I am so lucky because i was randomly browsing through lea salonga's website a day before the concert and i saw this concert which i never heard of.  i got a hold of the ticket. Lucky me!

Another thing i am doing now is i am studying computer programming.  I really want to be a good phd student to dr. Yoko, and so i am working on my skills.  I realized that the more you have skills, the more you become indispensible as an employee.  I want to be special to this group.  I want to be that girl who have skills and is hard working.  I want to be a better person.

I dont know, of course, if my time will permit it.  I have bought a ticket to fly back to japan on nov 24  to dec 8.  Jlpt will take place on dec 1.  When i return from japan, back to my country, for the month of december, i will study chemistry and computer programming.  I will try to do my best in the limited span of time.  Ganbatte! For my future.

I have other things to do here, like meeting my friends and so on.  I never thought i would be this busy.  I thought that i would be less busy when i get home but actually no.  Haha. Oh well, i guess if you're busy with many things, that is a good sign.  It means you are doing something with your life and not wasting your time.  :)

I hope i can pass that jlpt and do everything.  I am catching my time and learning japanese everyday.  A lot of things to remember.

What did i do from sept 25 to oct 7?

I bought a ticket flying back home to my country on october 7.  So what did i do in osaka from sept 25 to oct 7? I did an experiment.

But not ordinary laboratory experiment.  No.  It was a kind of social experiment.

I kind of wondered well, "i almost got everything i wanted.  What else do i want in my life?"  I asked this question to myself.

I got an answer, "i want love life. Lol." 

Yeah, does sound cheesy or unprofessional or call it whatever, but i think it's normal. Friends with the same age as me have had boyfriends or have a boyfriend now... I know i am not looking for love because i am incomplete.  In fact, i am comfortable with myself and i am happy being alone.  But it's just that i am curious and i want to feel that different kind of thrill.  The kind that makes you very happy and very enthusiastic about a simple day.  Not that i am not 'genki' enough per day, close friends of mine would tell you i act similar to a girl who had too much caffeine.  It's just that i want to feel it and i am curious and i would wonder at least how that feels like to have a special someone and have that someone make you feel the sparks and all that.

So i did an experiement.  From about sept to october, i tried to get the guy i have been liking for the past year.  I was not even aware i liked him because i ignored my feelings for him since i started to like him because i didnt want to get hurt and i just wanted to study first and finish my masters.  I wanted to focus on chemistry.  But now that i graduated and i will continue phd in switzerland, i think i would like to give it a try in my love life.  After all, i want to be normal. Lol.

Anyway, so i did. First i tried to fix my appearance.  I improved the way i dressed.  I improved my hairstyle.  Then i tried to go out on dates. With different guys.  But anyway i just treated them like my friends so i guess they werent really dates.  Haha. One person was different though... I think we were in the same frequency and we were similar, so i thought he was a good match for me.

I learned a lot from this experiment.  And with every experiment you gotta report the results... And well here is my "experimental report." 

During one month, i treated this guy very kindly and i knew i was fit to be a good girlfriend. I knew that i was very understanding and kind and most importantly i was comfortable with myself and i knew myself and i could express myself very well. I could actually figure a way to communicate my feelings to other people and made myself understood well by my anyone.  So i knew i was really a good catch, and i did not lack anything.  

The guy i like, however, was not ready.  After much research and this experiment, i have realized one thing more about guys.  When they arent ready, it doesnt matter if you are ready... Nothing will ever happen.  Guys only respond when they are already at that point in their lives when they are ready for relationships.  When theyre not ready, theyre not.  And this doesnt mean that they wont come back.  They know you are a good catch and sometime in the future if you keep in contact with him and keep kind and cool, he will come back for sure.  When he is ready.  Sometimes guys only marry the girl who is there when they are ready.  It is that simple. 

So this guy i liked, i figured that he wasnt ready.  I knew that he liked me or he was at least attracted to me.  We are good friends.  Nothing was wrong with me.  It was just the time.  Timing. Timing is everything. 

i felt sad of course, not being able to get my "target product." But i was not devastatingly sad.  Not like previous heartbreaks.  I am actually glad i learned so much.  I learned that guys are very good.  I learned that most of my guy friends found me attractive.  Many guys actually like me but they dont want to approach me , maybe because i dont seem to be interested.  

I tried to give one guy a chance by going out with him a few times, he didnt say he likes me but he was very kind to me.  At first i didnt like him but now i started to like him more, but in a platonic way only.  He gave me a lot of comfort when i needed it. He was always there for me and gave me everything. And it felt good.  Suddenly, the design of man and woman and their roles in such relationships became clear to me.  The role of the guy was to pursue and the girl must be pursued and the feeling was so right and normal.  This role, which has been followed since the beginning of time, is a perfect design, and whoever made it was a genius. 

In that short span of time (one month) i was able to learn a lot of things.  I felt different things.  I felt high and felt so low. Sometimes, i lost my appetite just thinking of that person.  At night, i could not sleep. I lost a lot of weight without trying to lose weight.  I felt so happy when i was with him and i was able to bake him a cake.  I was very happy doing those things for him, and i had a very large energy reserve because there was no input of energy but there was a huge output of energy.  It was amazing, it was like power and it made me do all things.  I was able to jog three huge lapses when i was jogging with him. I was able to meet him coincidentally many times.  All these things brought my emotions to heaven.  After a month, my emotions were able to reach heaven and hell. Hell was when i was sad because he didnt do as i expected him.  Hell was when i did not understand why.  

But i learned one more important lesson: never expect from anyone. It doesnt matter who that person is to you.  You must never expect. Ever. Period.  When you dont expect, you make him feel happy.  You also feel happy too. 

As a conclusion, i think this guy and i would have been good together if the timing was right.  We had the same interests and we understood each other well.  It was just the timing.  For the next trial, i would like to try with him again when he is ready.  I will of course, try to find another guy who can be potentially a good partner to me.  But when i cant find another one,then it would be ideal to try again with this guy.

after my masters graduation

So guys it has been a while since my last post.  I have some great news.  I forgot if i have already put in my previous posts that i was accepted at the ETH Zurich in Switzerland.  It was not easy -- i mean the whole procedure of applying and in asking for recommendation letters and non-stop emailing and commiunicating with different professors and making yourself look very professional in front of other people and really trying to give the impression that you are a good catch, so they should "buy" you.  At the end of the hunting season for a new university for my phd, i was down to 3 choices.  1. Eth zurich 2. University of queensland and 3. Australian national university.  These are all very good universities. The reason why i got in two australian universities is because i really thought that i will continue my phd in australia.  I had my reasons.  1. The proximity of australia to my country of origin.  2. Well, i have friends there.  3.  the two australian univs mentioned above have pretty good rankings worldwide.  Particularly for ANU, which is located in Canberra, the aussie capital, has a high ranking, at least higher than Osaka university. ( well actually that depends, because some rankings put osaka university higher than ANU, i think.) anyway, i have asked my european friends about their impression on australian universities versus japanese universities and they told me that japanese universities have a better impression on europeans in general.  So that is a minus point.  When i was deciding which place to go,  i already have opted for ANU, even after learning about the reduced impressions on australian universities from the europeans.  I thought, "at the end of the day, they will be looking at a person based on the number of publications, aaaand australia is a good country." Never in my life did i expect tobe contacted again by prof. Bode from Eth.  I have applied to his group about two months back, and he replied to me, saying that he was impressed by my application and my credentials but his lab was full and they had "budget constraints." At that time, i thought that he was lying because how the hell can ETH, one of the best institutions of science in the whole world, run out of money? Anyway, i decided to send him a thank you reply because at least he did not ignored my mail and he was kind enough to take time to respond to me.  

Prof bode wrote me and said that i could try applying for another group and he referred me to a group.  This new group gave me a chance and interviewed me, made me do a presentation via skype and asked me some questions about my research. It was not easy and i was nervous as hell.  But at the end of the interview they told me that they were impressed and at that time i was not sure if that was true or not.  At long last, i got the offer from ETH, and by god, how can i say no? ETH -- i have been dreaming to go there and i never in my life expected that i would indeed be offered a phd position there.  The hard work paid off i guess.  I talked with my family that night and told them that i wanted to go there for my phd, despite the distance from my country.  its going to be different, but i know i will regret it if i dont go now.  So that, my friends, is the story why i am ending up at ETH.  And i am more than thankful.  

Reactions of people to this great news: 

 my friends who are studying science: they said "wow" and they were happy and envied me (but in a good manner)

 my friend in lab: was very happy for me

Europeans: "great! Now we can meet more often"

Non-science friends: "ohhh switzerland! Thats the one with the cows.... Wait, thats new zealand?"

Friends from my country: congratulations!

Friends from osaka university (secretaries, other profs): "i wanna visit you there in switzerland!" 

Friends from osaka university (students): "congratulations, you are free from suffering now!" and "oooohhh ETH university... That is the school of Einstein!" 

Well very few people actually know that ETH Zurich was einstein's alma mater.  Not many people are familiar with ETH and its fame lol.  It is actually near Ivy league.  I am so happy.

But of course, there is/are antagonist/s for a protagonist.  

Robot's comment: "it's easy to enter a western university." "Don't go to ETH, that is my suggestion. Go to australia." (And by the way, i NEVER EVER asked for his opinion.  He just randomly gave his opinion upon knowing that got three offers from big universities and one of them is ETH.)

Anyway, everything is fine now. I graduated.  And it was a happy day.  I wore Filipiniana during my graduation.  Sept 25, 2013.  

Bored, or rather... feeling stupid

I need to know some new information from people. I mean, what happens in their lives, latest news about who is what and when... Stuff like that. I am not talking with anyone here and it seriously becomes hellish, just doing your work and talking to no one. I know its a waste of time to talk an talk, but i think sometimes it also increases your intellect. anyway. I wish someone interesting would go online , like tami or jenny or kelly or maybe kust meet up with my friends like murni and hien. But todays the start of ramadan, so my muslim friends aint gonna take lunch break. And i dont want to bother people who have a date every lunch time like hin and thi, because its their time together.oh god i wanna talk lol. Wonder whats going on out there... Yea so thank go for blogger , i can express what i feel. Hahaha. :) hope somebody goes online

"Robot, go Fuck yourself."

Sorry for the foul words, i just wanna let my feelings out.  

I am never this angry with anybody (well, perhaps in my college days when immature students were my classmates).

By the way, robot is a what? 33 or 34 year old guy.  Its natural to expect maturity from him.  Fucking Asshole has a  small mind.  I. hate. him.  thanks to him, whenever i start writing my thesis, i get hurt by what he said to me last night.  It rings in my ears.  

So i want to tell him today, "robot, go fuck yourself" This is an account of what happened last night and i just want to document it, for my sake.

Alam mo ba kagabi si robot inaway na naman ako. Lagi na lang niya ko sinasabihan ng masasakit na bagay.  This is not the first time this happened.  Pang nth time na to.  Gusto ko lng irecord. Tulad nung isang araw, tinanong ko siya kung kailangan ba ilagay yung BFLE na homo lumo gap.  Sabi niya ndi daw. E sa tingin ko kailangan, so ni reconfirm ko kay big boss tinanong ko sa kanya kung talaga bang d kailangan yun.  Sabi niya kailangan ko raw ilagay.  So bumalik ako kay robot para I report yun. Sabi niya sa kin hindi daw niya sinabi na wag ko ilagay yung homo lumo gap.  Edi sabi ko ok baka miscommunication lang.  then he replied, kaya ko yun sinabi kasi hindi mo lang naiintindihan yung quantum calculation basic.  Meron pa siya sinabi nung araw nay un, basta puro kasi kasalanan ko na nag give up ako, puro kasalanan ko, puro ako yung nag give up and all that shit.  But clearly I didn't give up

Tapos yung sinabi niya sa kin kagabi.  Hindi na siya tinanong ko sa question na yoon kasi ndi naman niya sinasagot tanong ko.  

Nostalgic

I somehow miss my life before, before i went to Japan to take my masters. Now its like, i go to lab everyday and go home at 10pm, and i dont really talk with anyone, except to ask lab mates about chemistry. Aside from that i just stay at my work bench or my desk and do my thing without talking with anyone. And when im going home late at night, it seems like i didnt know what happened today. I just wrote my thesis and it feels as if nothing happened in the whole day.
I am looking forward to talk to my sister who i am about to meet in 2 minutes, but i couldnt think about anything to say because i dont really know what to say. Theres nothing much to talk about in one day in the lab...

Decisions

If I am making the right decision, why do I second think?  It’s really difficult to decide whether I stay or I go.  I have decided to go several months ago, but honestly I sometimes want to stay.  I feel terrible.  I feel lost.  Where is my direction? And which way do I go?

My parents don't even tell me what to do anymore.  They just support me.  I know- this is the wish of every young person.  To do whatever they want to do and just have the support of their loved ones.  No contradictions, No reasons.  Perhaps, as my sister have suggested, my parents already trust me and know that I already know what I am doing.  But now I come to a point where, I am questioning my decisions.  Do I really know what I am doing?  Do I really know what I am getting myself into? 

I don't know.  I honestly don't know if I am doing anything right.  I am so scared.  My friends told me that I am doing the right thing and that I am so brave.  But to be honest, they have no idea how scared and confused I am right now.

I have thought about this countless times and even sometimes I couldn't get sleep at night just considering about this idea of leaving my position in Japan.  I already have a position here, I am used to living here – but why will I move?  What is my reason?  Is it to find something that I am searching for?  But what am I searching for actually?  Am I really searching for something?  Or am I just making this all up as my alibi?  Will I learn better there?  Will my professor there be as kind as my professor here?  What will happen to me if I move there?  Will others think lowly of me?  What the hell am I doing?

I have so many endless questions, and I couldn't answer them all.  It seems to be that everything is so blurry.  I know what I want to do, but is that enough to support the consequences of my decisions?

Finally, I decided to leave.  I don't know what I must do, I don't know where to go.  I will leave.  So I applied to different professors.  I had to think not only twice, not only thrice.  I had to consider it again and again.  Each step that I made seemed like I was in a chess game.  One wrong move and it could affect everything that I worked so hard for. 

Now at this stage, I am doing my thesis and my applications to Australia.  I don't know if I am doing it right, but I am just throwing myself in the abyss.  I don't know what I am doing.  And up till now I am still questioning my decisions.  And I think it wont ever stop. My mind wont ever stop asking if I am doing this correctly.  I wish I could relie on someone, but I don't know who else to count on except myself.  Others are just my support system but no one can ever decide except me and no one can ever suffer or enjoy the consequences of this decision except me.  

Applications... major problem -- referees

Hi,
I am now applying for my PhD in other countries.  You know, gathering all necessary documents is stressful.  Writing essays about your capabilities and why you deserve a spot there is even more stressful.  But the most stressful of all, is asking for referee reports.

I have no idea what they will write about me.  It is based on the judgement of the professors on my capability.  There should be no problem if the professor has a wide perspective like for example my favorite professor (you-know-who).  But if the professor is quite stupid and quite an idiot, but I have no choice but to choose him as my referee, cause the number of professors I have worked with here are few (3), one is my favorite prof, the other is the idiotic robot and the third already left.

I dont know how much of an idiot robot is.  He just does not know how to read between the lines.  He is sooooo dense, you just cant get through him.  He is closed minded.  He does not see his mistakes.  And that is what will kill him in his career.  Believe me.

I pity those students who will be under his supervision like me.  I pray that nobody will experience this kind of situation.  Can you imagine, when he went back from his business trip today, he only talked with the other members, actually he talked with everyone in his group, except me, as if i am not one of his students.  And when I actually achieve something, he will actually think he is MY  SUPERVISOR.  and the worst is, he does not even realize he is doing this.  He thinks he is doing his job.  It is the same with going together during lunch time.  If I go with them, he doesnt talk with me.  He talks with everyone.  And then, he goes asking me, what my problem is, why I dont go to lunch with them anymore?  I told him I was just busy.  But in my heart, I would have wanted to reply, "you idiot, you keep asking me to join you for lunch, and when I do, you fucking ignore me.  "Why the hell will I join you to lunch? to make myself look stupid?!"  Of course I wont say that, I dont want to say bad words to him directly... Moreover, I dont want him to talk to me during lunch just because I said so.  I want it to come naturally from him. I dont want it to be forced just for me to feel good.  And even then I dont feel good too, because I know that he only did it because I said so.  DAMNED STUPID GUY.

Now I dont know how an idiot like him could get a PhD degree from a well-known university,  how could he be so stupid?!? My God, he is already 33 or 34, by now he should be more mature.  But he is not for his age.  If he were not my supervisor, I would have punched him by now.  Unfortunately, he is my supervisor, and so I couldnt do anything to him.

I hope one day he realizes what he is doing to me.  But I dont know if that hope is even possible, with the level of ignorance he has.   GRRRRRRRRR....

I told him (with a smile), that his referee report is very important criteria if i will get the scholarship abroad or not.  Then he replied " if i check all positive points, it would be unrealistic, so i will evaluate you only realistically."  god i feel mad.  Im not saying "praise me unrealistically." what i am saying is please highlight my positive points (if he sees any at all, f*cking moron.) What I am saying is that what he says about me matters a lot and I just want him to remember that when he is filling up the form.  I am not telling him to cheat the recommendation form.  HOW CAN A PERSON BE SO STUPID and think that HE IS NOT STUPID?

I just needed to vent out my anger.  thanks blogger for giving me this space.

My prof

My professor is one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  He is so amazing that I just want to write a blog about him and hug him.  I really admire his personality.  If i were to have a boyfriend I want him to be like my professor.  :)

Dilemma

I only have one thing in mind now-- to search for another group in another country.  Today I just finished my weekly report.  Everything went smooth, except the fact that I miscalculated my theoretical yield for my reaction.  Somehow, I felt embarrassed by that.  I mean, I hope I didn't lose my credibility. Three days ago, my direct supervisor (prof. mouse) told me I lacked skill and I do not know how to think enough about my experiment.  Actually, I did not want to think about that reaction because i think it is useless.  Pure futile bullsh*t because of two reasons:  1.  The target product is a well known compound.  It is useless to try "making" another reaction for synthesizing that molecule.  and 2. There are other literature found in the database for the same reaction, and by the way, they are in GOOD YIELD.  I just dont see the point in trying and thinking about a reaction that does not work..  Well, what choice do I have.  If I do not think about it and refuse to do my experiment, I will end up in worse shit I am in right now.  So I did think about it.  I wanted to prove the guy wrong.  I wanted to make him see that, I am not stupid.  I can think about my reaction, it is just that I dont want to think about it.

Today I did report on what i thought about.  Yeah, and he asked about the amount of starting material and yes, I miscalculated the theoretical yield.  I feel embarrassed.  But it is a tiny mistake though.  If I look at the whole report, it was not so bad.  In fact, at least I did a lot of measurements, although it was useless.  And I have f*cking garbage in my working bench now.  I mean, GOD, how I want to get rid of this synthesized compound (whatever it may be) and I want to start a different reaction -- just as what I have been telling him all this time.  But unfortunately, his tiny brain will think my capabilities are not enough if I dont think about this useless experiment more.  If you look more closely, it is just about his ego, his pride.  So he always finds something to criticize.

And by the way, I also applied to three different professors from three different countries last wednesday.  Two out of three replied by now.  The group from australia seems to be interested in getting me join their lab.  The other group from Stanford was not really intrested, but it is still good that she bothered to reply to me, at least.

I just want to get out of here.  There are so many reasons.  I couldnt discuss with anyone here.  my direct supervisor is not really mature enough.  I want to try another system in another country.

Social Skills

One of my goals for 2013 is to be more outgoing and not so shy (am i even shy?) No, seriously.  I mean, my close friends and family will know that i am a crazy girl.  Others, would have no idea i was that kind of person.  Especially my lab mates.  a.k.a. coworkers.  

I have been here in Japan in the same laboratory since 2010.  When i first came here i brought with me the social skills i have gained from my experiences in my country.  Generally, people were more inquisitive about personal lives in my country, (compared to Japanese stdudents in my lab).  

Two days ago, there was a meeting in my lab that i didnt know of.  Maybe i did know about it but forgot about it totally.  And if things werent enough, nobody called me to search for me .  I even called my professor but he didnt answer.  Yeah, i felt totally ignored.  And i felt depressed and sad. and i cried.

This is not the first time it happened to me in my lab.  in fact it is the third? or fourth time? im not so sure anymore.  But the thing is that, each time it happens to me, i feel very sad.  and i try my best to remember why i am spending my life in this laboratory......

until yesterday came. I had an idea to make an extra effort to smile.  Make extra effort to socialize with them.  I think in my lab there is sort of a hierarchy that i am not so aware of.  I am not so sure about the working culture here, but i know that it is different from where i came from.  and it is not so easy to understand.  Tried my best to talk to them before , but they are not really communicating back... just answering my questions... top that with my difficulty in nihonggo...

Anyway, yesterday morning i decided that i dont want to feel isolated anymore.  I decided to do a different thing.  Last year, i learned that there are no failures in this life.  You just have to change a parameter to get the desired results you want.  It is just like an experiment in the lab.  You have to determine which parameter is off, which parameters are good and which ones need changing.  If you can find the perfect condition, you can get what you want.  And i suddenly realized too that, I dont want to be like other people who give up easily and feel depressed all the time and go crazy... or something like that.  I want to fight and be strong.  

Okay.  So my plan is:  to change the system in my lab.  Yup the system.  The system that Kohai and Senpai cannot be friends.  This rule, this system. I want to change it. I will change it.  I am changing it now.

Next question is , HOW?  Well, i dont really know how.  Which brings me to the actual topic of this blog.  Social Skills.  I found myself googling stuff like "how to be friends with coworkers" or "How to encourage someone to talk to you" or "How to be friends with someone..." and you get the gist.  It seems to me that I sort of lost my social skills.  seems to me that, i perhaps didnt use it for so long that i forgot the skills to socialize and now i find myself googling these stuff.... come on, eli.  you werent like that before.  

so anyway, my plan is to change them by doing extra.  Doing extra kindness.  Smiling extra smile.  Being extra caring.  I did all these things before but i just realized that i gave up too easily.  It was because i didnt see the responses i expected and i wanted from them thats why i chickened out.  But now, i bring my new self.  The stronger, thicker face version of myself.  This year, I dont want to be shy anymore.  I will be aggressive in a good way and make them my friends and to not alienate myself.  

I can hear cheers for me from my own head like "Go Go Go ELIIIIII you can do it" sure do hope so...

so since yesterday morning, i have been greeting them with extra smiles and trying my best to talk with them and not get discouraged easily. after all the battle's just starting.  I will do my best and keep you posted.  I will get good results i promise you.  I will not give up.  I am changing the system now. ;)

:)  Go Go Go, Fight!  LABAN is my battlecry!!! ;)

(Probably) my last required class for graduate school

Yesterday I had my final exam on structural organic chemistry class, probably my last class in grad school. It would be great if my last class had been a lot exciting, with a twist of drama in the end or a lot of jokes.... But actually, yesterday's class was nothing of that sort, I would never had imagined that I would be dozing off in the last class. In my two years of master's course, I had a lot of different classes: molecular nanotechnology, physical organic chemistry, organic chemistry reactions, , advanced physical chemistry, advanced chemistry for material science, frontier nanoscale materials, etc... And for almost each class, sure, I fell asleep sometimes. But the yesterday's class was the worst and most embarrassing one. Before having the final exam my professor decided to add a little bit of lecture. While he was having the lecture I almost really fell into deep sleep. or was I sleeping? The last thing I know is that I heard the words singlet... And triplet... And I couldn't remember anything anymore. and my eyelids were heavy as hell. I couldn't get to open them for 3 seconds... Unfortunately, I was sitting at the front and center of the classroom. I was the only student sitting in that row, no other students were sitting in front of me. Sure, my professor probably saw my poor face almost sleeping... And that's embarrassing because he is my boss, my professor in the lab where I work in. I think at that point when he saw my face, he. Stopped the lecture and started to give out exam questionnaire. So well, in a way I was probably the reason why he stopped the lecture. Just embarrassing.


I forgot to mention than everyone was sleeping in the class and one student almost fell off his chair while sleeping in this class. I'm not bored just sleepy. And other students were worse than me because for the whole Smeester they just slept. but it is still embarrassing for me because this is my big boss talking. My. Laboratory. Boss.

The final exam had 3 questions, none of which I studied or read. I completely studied a different topic from what came out in the exam. Talk about being lucky. So I guessed my way through all three. I made a mistake on the first one. The second one my answer was right but explanation was a bit off. Third one was hit bull's eye. Maybe I didn't do so well in my prof's class final exam. Well he said maybe I can get an S for my final score, which is the highest score... So oh well... That's it for my last class in grad school... Probably.


After class my friends and I were laughing so hard because everyone in the class were asleep in all of the sessions of this lecture class. It is just funny to attend a class where all the students are sleeping and the professor is still talking. HAHA.

But I'm sorry prof. My energy was not enough to keep me awake. Caffeine didn't work either. Before class I had the feeling I might start to doZe off so I drank black coffee pure, but to no effect. I hope he didn't think badly of me, or I hope I didn't dissapoint him r made him angry or any of those negative feelings. I still love you, my professor!

I realized that although i didn't like exam and classes so much, well, I really liked them. It came to me that this is the last class, but I would miss sleeping in class and being under pressure to study for an exam or thinking of answers and just learning something. Yea , the next time it would be me who would be seeing students sleeping in my own class and trying to stay awake. Hahahah. I can't experience it anymore. I was actually considering enrolling in another class after i finish my post doc just to feel that again. It occurred to me that, when I finish school finally, I would miss all the things which happened, even the things which I hated. ;-) I love school.

1.31.2013

Just any ordinary Lab day.

Now i dont want to start sounding depressing.  it's exactly 1:56pm in the lab right now and the silence is deafening.  The only thing i can hear would be the sound of the glasswares clashing towards one another as they are being used by an undergraduate student quietly working on his bench.

I really enjoy this work, i enjoy being a chemist and living in another country.  I enjoy this experience and this journey. But sometimes, this just get more toxic than usual.  I sleep 6 to 8 hours per day and i know its enough, but sometimes i just dont want to move at all.  I want to stay steady and just relax and think of nothing.  No deadlines in my head.  Nothing that I have to do.  Just sleep and rest.  Its not really good to do that all the time but it's just that now, all i wanna do is take a time out.  take a break.

To be honest, in my lab, i never really have a friend to talk to.  I dont want to sound like a loner but its just the way they work here.  Its the culture.  Theres no change,  everything's so serious and quiet.  When i first came here i think i might have sort of disrupted that culture here, but after a while i followed suit and became like one of them.

I could remember a song my mom and dad let me hear, the title is I am not a Robot.  Well totally matches this situation.  everyday is like the same, there is no change. nothing different about anything.  Just the sound of the typing and the glasswares.  Nobody talks and theyre scared of you cause youre a senpai girl foreigner who speaks in English.  What the hell.

I wish I could have a friend here who would just talk and be , well, human enough to communicate. It is already difficult living in another country, and without a friend, it becomes inhumane.  Sheeze....

By the way, to balance it off with some good news, i finally succeeded in getting my target compound although i have less than 10mg of it.  But it is still an accomplishment nonetheless.. Love that i got it and confirmed it by spectrometers and voila.  I got it.  Love of my life.  I got it last monday, 1.28.2013. It seems to be the happiest day in my lab life, thus far.  But im far from done.  I have to make 100mg of this at least and get some good ol crystals.  Far from done.  Far from next target.  Well at least i got it.  ;D


Till here then, i gotta check on my evaporator.

Philippine economy

Hello dear bloggers,

Happy New Year!

I have returned to the land of the rising sun; it has become my second home country to me. I am now in the train on the way to my laboratory. Welp, if the title isn't enough, today I want to talk about the Philippine economy. About a day ago, my mom and I were discussing Philippine stock market via Skype. "It closed at 6%," Mom said. Now I'm not really a stock market girl, so she went on to explain that this is actually quite strong and quite a good day for the Philippine stock market.

When i went back home for Christmas last December, sure, i did notice some changes.  I'm not sure if it 's just me, or the people really got livelier.  People were out in the malls, and were actually buying stuff.  It seemed different to me, because some time ago people just stayed in the malls to relieve themselves from the hot weather.  Or just window shopping.  But not really buying stuff.  a second observation was that there were a lot of Japanese establishments in the malls everywhere.  Actually, I could even see a DAISO area inside the supermarket in Philippines, at about 66pesos per item -- with the Japanese labels (written in Katakana and Hiragana and Kanji).  I told my sister that hey, i think Japanese people could actually survive here in our country.  There is a Daiso store and labels are in Nihonggo.

come the night of January 8, My professor (mouse, a.k.a. the robot), talked to me about the Philippine economy featured in NHK.  (NHK is a Japanese TV news channel).  According to him, the report said that GDP growth of Philippines was at 7%, it was very close to China.  China's GDP growth is around 8 or 9%.  Apparently, China's economy is one of the strongest in the world.

The report went on to say that Philippine's people are good in the English language so it is fairly easy to communicate to Filipinos...

And for those two reasons (economy plus English), many Japanese establishments/companies are moving to the Philippines... FRom China!

OK.  So that explains my observations from last month.  That's why, whenever i went inside the malls, i saw Japanese establishments like Uniqlo, like daiso and almost every corner, there is a Japanese restaurant.  Now it makes sense.  Actually, it even makes more sense.  Because as most people are aware, China is getting more aggressive in the issue of the disputed islands.  China is claiming the islands which are part of Philippines, and part of Japan, part of other Asian countries as well like Vietnam, Malaysia, and so on.  Now i see what is happening.  moreover, chinese people are shutting down Japanese companies in China because of the territory island issue.  Well, good luck to them, they are just hurting their own economy.  People are start going to lose jobs - and money.

I see more.  You know all this time, during the disputed islands issue between China and Philippines, Japan has always been helping Philippines.  They have been offering Philippines with battle ships.  also, they have been giving the Philippines with their old trains.  I was surprised to see a Japanese train roaming around Manila, going to Bicol.  You'd know it was a  Japanese train because the sign on the train said "回送"  God, is it just me, or everyone's turning Japanese?!?

Do you remember a post i did here sometime around september or october about the Japanese government helping the NAIA airport?  At that time i thought about why Japan is giving so much to my country?  do they have a plan to colonize us?  Why are they doing this?!? well, it now is crystal clear to me.  and they arent going to colonize us.

Having said all these, there is only one prayer in my heart.  I hope that Philippine economy will continue to get strong and that the partnership between Japan and the Philippines will bear sweet sweet fruits in the near future.  It occurred to me that Japan is taking a risk here, and putting the trust to the Philippine economy.  and moving your establishments from one country to another is not a joke... it is a big decision, quite a risk for a country who has one of the biggest economies in the world and is totally suffering from a global crisis now.  I hope and pray that their expectations will be met and that they will be more than satisfied with this decision.  Investing in the Philippines is beneficial for both the Philippines and Japan.  If everything works out fine, it will be a win-win situation.  I hope that we can take a rebound, like in the 1960s, when the Philippines was just second to Japan in Asia.  I wish to finally erase the image that the "Philippines is the basket case of Asia."

So there you have it.  Amidst the global crisis everyone is facing today, my country, the Philippines, is getting stronger.  and i hope it will even get better.  I dont know about Pres Noy, honestly, i did not vote for him in the last elections.  I am not against him, but at that time i wanted a president who will actually DO SOMETHING TO IMPROVE.  and based on his records as senator, he didnt do much so i preferred someone else.  I dont know if all of these good results are because of the work of his administration, or maybe he just reaped the seeds that were sown from the previous administration, if there were any... but one thing i see is that i am impressed by his performance as President.  Add to that making a stand Yes to RH bill and bringing in more and more investors in the country.  Nice. I really want to commend his work.  And let us continue to support him.  He promised to bring about change in our nation.  Well, i think he is doing his job.

Wisdom learned from 2012.

First I figured to compile all these thoughts and give them as a year ender.  But then I realized that there is no opportune moment than now.  In the last 12 months, I have learned so many things; in fact, I prefer calling this year, my 22^nd year in this Earth, “my Epiphanic year.”  I believe it is best if I share all these ideas with you, as they are begging me to get out of my head and influence others as well.

Time is not just gold.  In fact, time is more valuable than gold.  Time is your life.  Every moment which you have is a part of you which you can never bring back again.  In essence, you give pieces of you to things, skills, or people, people who know how not to value your time, and people who know how to value your time.  Sometimes, there are moments when we want to speed time or slow it down.  Sometimes, we hate a particular season in our lives.  Sometimes we hate the waiting time.  Sometimes we do not want to spend our time with a specific person.  Sometimes we hate a person that we are seeing each day. 

The bible says that there is a time for everything.  This time you say, is your time.  Time you spend getting mad or getting angry at someone is still your time.  Time, of course, is limited.  Nobody can tell how long we are going to be here in Earth.  It is therefore logical to use the time wisely and efficiently.  But as I have come to realize, not so many people know how to do this.  I believe this is actually the key to a good, and joyful life.

Einstein actually knew how to live the moment.  I agree.  That is the key.  Live at the present time.  Don't live in the future or in the past.  Don't hold that grudge at that person because of what happened.  Don't hurry to get married, or to graudate, or what have you.  Live now.  I cannot stress this enough.  Live in the present, or else, you lose part of yourself, part of your life which you can never bring back anymore.  Enjoy now.  If you think you hate what you are doing, decide to like it, because you are not going to be there forever.  Whatever you have now, it will all pass.  You wont be studying forever,  you wont be working forever.  You wont have your child bugging you forever.  You wont stay single forever.  You wont have this job forever.  Instead of thinking about how to speed time up, embrace this moment.  Think of what you can learn at this moment.  Think of how you can spend this moment efficiently and wisely and actually being there and living it.  Hate your brother? Sister? Mom? Friend? They are not going to be there forever, and you are not going to be here forever too.  Make the most out of every moment you have.  You cant get it back.

2.  Don't hate anyone.  It is better to stay in neutral ground and not be against a person.  Be against the idea, or the attitude, but never against the person.  Be at peace with everyone. 

If you cant find a reason to like someone, or you really hate this person, try to think of a common denominator between the two of you.  Every person has a good and bad side.  Even you have a good and bad side.  You learn to oversee the bad attitude of the person and instead see the positive side of the person.  See the common things between the two of you, or see why he becomes like that.  What does he lack?  Maybe he needs a friend like you.

And also, if the person does not like you, its not your fault.  You can never please everyone.  But be at peace with that person.  Give that person a gift, or a smile.  Always do the right thing, because by doing right, you will never regret anything.  Decide to do what is right and good.  It is the best way to live.  Also try this:  if you want to establish a connection between the two of you, be one with that person. Do not show you are against him, instead show him you are with him and that there is no need for him to defend himself for you.  Show him you are honest and that you are not hiding anything from him.  Show him you are harmless to him.  Show him that you are his friend.  You can do this by imitating his body gestures.  It subconsciously gives him an idea that you are not  against him and there is no need for attack.

3.  Dress properly.  In the place where I work, I once clothed myself with jeans and ordinary shirt or something like that.  First impressions of people who meet you for the first time are based heavily on how you look like.  Even if you don't admit it, you are also guilty of that.  I do not have a recommendation on which kind of clothes to wear, it is case by case.  But in my case, in the lab, I now wear slacks instead of jeans and I wear black leather shoes instead of colorful rubber shoes.  I wear quite professional clothes compared with before.  I want to be presentable all the time especially when I am in my workplace.  In the workplace, I try my best to keep a professional relationship with my coworkers, but still maintaining a level which I can establish a familiarity or friendship.

4.  Which brings me to my number 4 topic.  NETWORK.  Network is very important.  This is in relation with number 2.  People who get promoted, or who gets the news, or who gets more opportunities are people who have established a good network.  People can help you.  You cannot stand alone.  There is a saying No man is an island.  Like it or not, you needed people before, you still need people now and you will need people for the rest of your life.  The key is to convince the person to WANT to help you.  You must not do it by blackmail or by force or by money; the easiest and safest way is for you to convince them that they want to help you.  Make them see and realize why they have to help you.    People in general are very kind.  They help, but you have to know why they should help you.  You form such a network, that's why you have to keep at peace with everyone.  You never know who can help you in the future.  Don't burn your bridges.

5.  Know your identity.  This is very important in life.  I can find an example for this:  Before engaging in a relationship, you should first know yourself.  Know who you are.  Know your values.  Know your principles.  Know what you cannot compromise.  Why? Because this is how you can meet your partner.  Everyone cannot be your partner because some people do not have the same values as you.  A relationship which does not have a clear ground cannot be anchored for long.  It will be tossed by the waves and the winds when the storm comes.  Know what you are standing for.  Know what you are living for.  Enjoy being with yourself.  You are very precious.  Why would anyone want to be with you if you cant stand being with yourself?  Spend time thinking and listening to your thoughts.  Spend some time alone.  Go on a dinner with yourself.  Talk to yourself.  Know who you are.  Know your principles in this life.  These are the ones which will guide you in all the decisions you will have to make, even the toughest decisions.  When you know your principles, you will know what to do.  When you know your principles,

6.  Happiness is always a CHOICE.  You can choose to be happy even when you cannot find a reason to be happy.  That is not being crazy at all.  To be happy, you should choose to be happy. 

7.  For the high school student:  don't know what course to take up for your higher education?  For the people who are choosing a job:  don't know what job you will take?  Get guidance from people you trust, for example: your parents.  If your parents recommend a certain college course to you, consider what they are trying to tell you.  If you are convinced that what they want for you is good, (which in most cases is what parents want)  please follow them.  And don't worry about not loving the subject because similar to happiness, loving something, or someone for that matter, is also a choice.  Most of the people in this world do not know what they want.  I mean, in one occasion, you want ice cream, and when you finally got the ice cream you want a burger.  The grass is always greener on the other side.  You never know what you want.  Not liking your current status and imagining what life is like if you chose…?  That's nonsense.  I tell you, if ever you chose that other path, you will have some things that you will not like in that path.  In fact, wherever you go, you will find something in your way to rant about.  If you cant find that its either your life is so peaceful, or it is completely boring.  In every good movie, there’s always the antagonist, right?  There is always a problem we have to solve.  You will always wonder , “what if this… or what if that…”  You know they key to that?  The key to that is to CHOOSE TO LOVE what you are doing.  Choose to love your status now.  Choose to see the best things you have because others are trying to see what if they were in your position.  To love something, you should choose to love it.

8.  Imagine.  Visualize.  Visualize what you want to happen.  Imagine that is is happening now.  See that it is so real, in fact, so real that you almost thought it is real.  Imagine clearly it is happening now and say it aloud.  Einstein once said that the true indication of genius is not knowledge but imagination.  I agree.

9.  READ people.  I learned to read people this year.  I learned to read how they are, their personality, their character.  I know how to make them my friend.  I read them by their actions, their facial expression.  I read them by their words.  I have come to realize that reading a person is very helpful all the time in all cases. 

10.  I learned to love my country.  Not that I didn't love my country before.  But I learned to see it in a new light.  I learned to look at it from a different angle.  I learned how lucky I am because I realized how much my country needs me.  I have formed my mind to go back after finishing my studies abroad.  I have formed in my mind the help that my country needs.  And I will not disappoint my country.  It would be too unfair of me if I just go away when my country needs me the most.  I will do my best.

11.  God. This year, I had a lot of questions about God.  I believe in God.  Actually, no, I am SURE there is a God.  But it is his nature which I could not understand.  There is a God, and there is an afterlife.  But what lies ahead I do not know.  I have a lot of questions about how to be saved, or about Gods will.   I am quite pleased that I am thinking about this.  But sometimes I get so confused.  It seems that it is impossible to understand all these things.  Sometimes, there seems to be no answers at all. I hope I could find satisfaction with the things I will think about regarding this.  I might have a post on this.

12.  Always do the right thing.  If you are sure you are right and you love what you do, FIGHT for it.  Protect your dream.  Never give it up.

13.  There is no such thing as FAILURE.  Life is filled with second chances.  I see life like an experiment in the laboratory.  If you fail to get your target compound in the first time, try again.  But this time, change something.  You cannot expect a different result if you do the same thing again.  If in the second time, you changed something and still didn't get your target, change another parameter.  Maybe the one you changed was not the thing you were supposed to change.  The good thing is, in life, you can try as much as you want.  Change what you are doing until you get to where you want to be.  

14. If you want people to follow you, or follow a certain law, the environment must be conducive so that the people will naturally do it.    For example, if you want people to stop jaywalking, you should put the pedestrian crossing lines in areas where it is easy and quite natural for the people to cross.  Otherwise they will find other areas to cross which is the most convenient.  People always try to make their lives convenient.  So if you want them to follow a certain law, make it convenient for them to follow. Make the environment conducive to following that rule you want to impose.  It also applies with other areas.

15.  Education is important.  If a person gets truly educated, he should want to be educated more.  If he truly learned something, he will be even more curious and ask more as if the thirst for knowledge and search for truth cannot be quenched by asking only a few questions.  I think this is the mistake in today’s education system.  Today in my university here, We get an average of three exams per semester and one final exam and that’s it.  It is as if learning is anchored only to those three paper exams.  But learning is more than just paper.  It is imagination.  It is critical thinking.  It is like waking up and finding more and more that you are in love with your craft.  When I become a professor, I don’t want my students to get three exams.  I only want one exam per semester, and the rest of the time I want to implement some experiments or exercises where I can evaluate whether they really learned something or not.  I could not exactly yet pinpoint what kind of exercises these are but I will think about them.

 I look forward to getting more realizations in 2013.  Of course sharing it with you would be awesome.  

Happy 2013! :)