Dilemma

I only have one thing in mind now-- to search for another group in another country.  Today I just finished my weekly report.  Everything went smooth, except the fact that I miscalculated my theoretical yield for my reaction.  Somehow, I felt embarrassed by that.  I mean, I hope I didn't lose my credibility. Three days ago, my direct supervisor (prof. mouse) told me I lacked skill and I do not know how to think enough about my experiment.  Actually, I did not want to think about that reaction because i think it is useless.  Pure futile bullsh*t because of two reasons:  1.  The target product is a well known compound.  It is useless to try "making" another reaction for synthesizing that molecule.  and 2. There are other literature found in the database for the same reaction, and by the way, they are in GOOD YIELD.  I just dont see the point in trying and thinking about a reaction that does not work..  Well, what choice do I have.  If I do not think about it and refuse to do my experiment, I will end up in worse shit I am in right now.  So I did think about it.  I wanted to prove the guy wrong.  I wanted to make him see that, I am not stupid.  I can think about my reaction, it is just that I dont want to think about it.

Today I did report on what i thought about.  Yeah, and he asked about the amount of starting material and yes, I miscalculated the theoretical yield.  I feel embarrassed.  But it is a tiny mistake though.  If I look at the whole report, it was not so bad.  In fact, at least I did a lot of measurements, although it was useless.  And I have f*cking garbage in my working bench now.  I mean, GOD, how I want to get rid of this synthesized compound (whatever it may be) and I want to start a different reaction -- just as what I have been telling him all this time.  But unfortunately, his tiny brain will think my capabilities are not enough if I dont think about this useless experiment more.  If you look more closely, it is just about his ego, his pride.  So he always finds something to criticize.

And by the way, I also applied to three different professors from three different countries last wednesday.  Two out of three replied by now.  The group from australia seems to be interested in getting me join their lab.  The other group from Stanford was not really intrested, but it is still good that she bothered to reply to me, at least.

I just want to get out of here.  There are so many reasons.  I couldnt discuss with anyone here.  my direct supervisor is not really mature enough.  I want to try another system in another country.