Decisions

If I am making the right decision, why do I second think?  It’s really difficult to decide whether I stay or I go.  I have decided to go several months ago, but honestly I sometimes want to stay.  I feel terrible.  I feel lost.  Where is my direction? And which way do I go?

My parents don't even tell me what to do anymore.  They just support me.  I know- this is the wish of every young person.  To do whatever they want to do and just have the support of their loved ones.  No contradictions, No reasons.  Perhaps, as my sister have suggested, my parents already trust me and know that I already know what I am doing.  But now I come to a point where, I am questioning my decisions.  Do I really know what I am doing?  Do I really know what I am getting myself into? 

I don't know.  I honestly don't know if I am doing anything right.  I am so scared.  My friends told me that I am doing the right thing and that I am so brave.  But to be honest, they have no idea how scared and confused I am right now.

I have thought about this countless times and even sometimes I couldn't get sleep at night just considering about this idea of leaving my position in Japan.  I already have a position here, I am used to living here – but why will I move?  What is my reason?  Is it to find something that I am searching for?  But what am I searching for actually?  Am I really searching for something?  Or am I just making this all up as my alibi?  Will I learn better there?  Will my professor there be as kind as my professor here?  What will happen to me if I move there?  Will others think lowly of me?  What the hell am I doing?

I have so many endless questions, and I couldn't answer them all.  It seems to be that everything is so blurry.  I know what I want to do, but is that enough to support the consequences of my decisions?

Finally, I decided to leave.  I don't know what I must do, I don't know where to go.  I will leave.  So I applied to different professors.  I had to think not only twice, not only thrice.  I had to consider it again and again.  Each step that I made seemed like I was in a chess game.  One wrong move and it could affect everything that I worked so hard for. 

Now at this stage, I am doing my thesis and my applications to Australia.  I don't know if I am doing it right, but I am just throwing myself in the abyss.  I don't know what I am doing.  And up till now I am still questioning my decisions.  And I think it wont ever stop. My mind wont ever stop asking if I am doing this correctly.  I wish I could relie on someone, but I don't know who else to count on except myself.  Others are just my support system but no one can ever decide except me and no one can ever suffer or enjoy the consequences of this decision except me.