thursday night blog/ random realization about life

Dear Readers,

well, today was a relatively "unbusy" day -- still busy but better than the past few days when i cant even sit down to focus my brain on my reading.  Today at least, I could read some and add more structure to my report in 2 weeks' time.

When i was an undergraduate student, I have always seen him and actually sometimes i didnt like the way he handled the class.  I had this image of him and i didnt like it actually.  When i went back home last month to do a presentation, I set aside my prejudices and tried to see him in a different light, in new different shoes.  I kind of liked his personality then, but not to the point where i actually want to be his close colleague/professor.

Just now i checked him in his room because i thought hey he might be needing something, or want something that i could get for him.  I went to check him in his office downstairs.  When i went there, he was talking to someone via skype and so i thought he probably didnt want to be disturbed so i started walking away.  but i dont know something inside me keeps on jerking up to knock on his door and ask him if he needed anything.  And so after a few more steps, i went back and knocked.

He said "hai" which was my signal to go in the room.  When i went in the room and he told me oh its you come in come in. and he said come here i want to introduce you to my wife.  and then suddenly i felt the warmth of a family man, a father, a husband all embodied in this professor.  I never thought of him as such, but the act of talking to his wife via skype after a busy day here in Japan is just -- i dont know what to call it -- sweet?

It is like, no matter how different i looked at this person before, or however powerful he has become throughout the years or however long he has spent outside the country to study, or how many packs of cigarette he has smoked... he is still like a father, a dad, a family person, a warm loving husband to his wife.  This act made me see how close i am to him in personality... not that i do what he does but because in my own family my dad usually calls my mom when he is out on business trips, or my parents usually call us here every night, and vice versa.

Its like the culture, the Filipino culture of that, or Family culture, or call it whatever you may, is deeply engraved in our genes and made us similar.  And oh boy, the warmth of his smile when he showed me his wife.  He was so happy talking with her and seemed to be pleased to introduce her to me.  It was like i was not a threat or anything of that sort, but it was like i was part of them, or part of this culture.  it was a pleasant feeling.  The feeling you sort of get in your dreams.

At that moment i realized, oh my, he is such a nice old man.  Not yet that old, but he is like my dad.  why, i missed that point for so many years of knowing him.  i am happy that i realized this.

His wife was very kind, smiled as she greeted me.  I could sense she was a nice lady.  i dont know, like my mom maybe?  they were talking something about de la salle.  My, in an instant, it seemed to me that their family was similar to my family. and i felt pleasant about it.

anyway, just a random realization tonight, i realized totally that he is a very good man inside, and what i saw from many years ago was just garbage.  enough of these stuff, now back to my reading...  ganbaru wa!

meeting future boss

Today is an exhausting day, in fact so exhausting that i dont want to do anything else but to write this blog.  I accompanied a professor from my university back home here in Osaka.  I like going to places with people from my university but its just that i cant do any of my work.  I have a big report in 3 weeks and bless my luck, i also have a final exam on the same day.  On top of that i have to do my experiments, which i hope will work out soon.  I feel sleepy and i want to watch a movie at home and be a buff.  it seems to me that i have acquired both Japanese and my Filipino lifestyle here in Japan which is quite difficult to balance.  I basically get up early from monday to sunday, 24/7 without any breaks.  Its just that in my country whenever there's heavy rain, we cancel classes and so our asses can snooze till noon or later than that, whichever we prefer.

Last week we came from Mie prefecture, a 3 hour bus drive from Osaka.  We had a fantastic laboratory trip.  I really enjoyed it, except the fact that, i came home saturday evening, and i wanted to rest on sunday, but i couldnt cause i had to accompany my sister to go to church cause she sang with the rest of  the other members performed a worship song.  She doesnt know how to go to the church alone, so i had to wake up on time just to accompany her.  my god.

I am tired, i want to take a break this sunday, cause sundays are all i have for resting.  But sad to say that, sometimes i cant.  i have been doing this for more than a year now, but i dont know why during this season it just gets more toxic.  It wasnt as bad as this before.  or maybe because hmmm, mmaybe because i cook my own food now, thats why i feel quite heavy.

As i type this i feel like my eyelids are starting to drop in place.

Yesterday was a pretty good day for me, although it was exhausting still.
I accompanied the professor and I am pleased and honored that he trusts me enough, even though im still in my masters.  He wants to start a laboratory for me back in my country.  Which means i already have a position in my country, home university.  And my professors here want me to improve science and technology in my country. Sure that sounds nice, who wouldnt want that?  but i feel like its a very huge responsibility.
I hope to continue his work, to strengthen the collaboration and to improve the ranking of my university in world rankings, and hey who knows, maybe eventually strengthen science in my country.  Oh my, how i wish i could do that. Actually, I want to do that,  but i dont quite know how.

NOw i am still a masters student, barely have good results, struggling to find my way through grad school.  What am i to do?

I dont want to disappoint kubo sensei or dr J or any of the people who are somehow putting their trust in my ability.  I know im not the super genius gal who can 'do all the impossible work.'  theres just one thing i know.  and that is i have passion to do those things.  i just dont know if that will be sufficient to change some situations.  I really want to be of service to the people and everytime i go home to my country and see my people, i kind of promise them that one day our country will be rich.  I dont know how but i dont want to see any more people who are suffering.  Who work hard all day, but earn so little.  I wish i can do something for them.  For the people who work in the hair salons or do my nails, or people who give me a nice massage, they all earn so little.  I wish my work could help them.  I dont know how, i mean, i absolutely have no idea.

I wish to make a change or revolutionize education, at least in my country.

One more wonderful thing which happened yesterday, well i dont quite know how the crap it happened but, image streaming or imagery or the 'secret' or whatever you may call it.  Sure thing, i think it works.
You see, a few days ago i sort of image streamed for a while that my professor will approach me , i dont know , say, sometime near my phd graduation and tell me that he wants me to do post doc in america.  I did that.  I created that scenario in my head.  I tried my best to make it as real as possible in my head.  Well what do you know... yesterday, it happened.  not exactly as I had imagined it would be but because when i first mentioned about post doc to my professor, he didnt seem to welcome the idea so warmly.  From his facial expression, reading his reaction, i think he preferred me to go back to my country as soon as i finish my phd here.  from the way he spoke, i could decipher his idea.
but yesterday, he was actually the one who even opened the topic and offered america to me as potential post doc place.  If everything goes as things should be, I would be going to america to do post doc research for 2 years.  My professor even counted the years and then i will go back to my country.  i love to study, i love doing research , i love my job and i want to travel and see more places and experiences different cultures and meet people and learn from them.  It has been my long time dream.

I just wonder after all this, whats gonna be next.  Sure, i want to settle down someday in a nice home, but if possible, i would like to meet someone who is like my professor.  dont know if such kind of person exists in this huge planet and i cant move my home.  I have to stay in my country.  I have to.  I cant disappoint anyone.  and i love my country.

I wonder... how will my life be.  I came to the point of realization that my life now, is not my own, but it is to give service to others, for a greater purpose.  Quite dramatic, but true indeed.

I love my job!!!

 Hello,

I feel like blogging today.

I just had lunch and over lunch I have imagined a very interesting idea.

When I woke up today, I didn't actually feel like going to school.  I feel so sleepy and I really want to stay in bed.  I want to rest and pig out!!

When I reached school, I was still sleepy.  I took another cup of coffee to fight the drowsiness away.  Then I started to work.  When I touched the glasswares and my compound in the flask I started to feel elated for some reason.  Then I started feeling like I am a super chemist, like those seen in the movies.  The scientists who knows which bottle to get, or which powder to use, or which chemical to put and add in the reaction.  I felt like being watched by myself, doing my experiment, and I could feel that I was “cool.”  I feel exactly like Dexter (Dexter’s Lab) the cartoon I used to watch back then.  I started touching other flasks and putting liquid nitrogen in the trap for vacuum line, then I started doing column chromatography.  I started getting hexane and pouring it down the column and watching all the air bubbles go away as I poured the colloidal silica gel.  I started to feel like I was this amazing chemist who always knew what to do.

Then… just then..

I realized that I love chemistry.  I love my job.  It must be true.  I mean, I go here everyday without feeling these things that drove me off to my amazement.  I go here everyday without talking to anyone and just doing my work.  I never get tired of this chemistry.  Thank God, even though I didn't end up in medicine school as I have originally planned, I still ended up in a field that I really enjoy so much.  Why, I never saw how much I am inlove with my job until now.  Why did I miss the point???  All my lab life, I kept on ranting about not finishing my compound.  But I realize now that, its not the point.  The point is not rushing things and finishing it soon.  The point is loving the craft.  The point is taking care of each step, summarizing it, thinking about it everytime like I am married to my chemistry.  I just realized today, how much I love my job. 

Chemistry, I love, I love, I love you… I never wish to be parted from you for the rest of my life. Mwah <3

coming back

The worst part of going back to my country is the coming back?  Coming back here makes me feel so homesick and not so comfortable.  Sometimes I think nobody understands this feeling except the people who also experience it.  It feels so difficult to adjust back to normally busy mode.  I wish I can skip this part. 

Last night I didn't sleep because things kept running through my head.  I am tired today.  I didn't have sleep.  I want to eat sinigang.  No matter how dirty Manila is compared to Osaka, I miss it still.  I want to sleep.  I slept for a total of 50 mins (combination of naps throughout the day) and its still not enough.  I am feeling dizzy.  I want to talk to someone who will listen to me and understand me.  But such kind of companionship that I am longing for here and now doesn't exist, I suppose.  I miss my family back home.  I miss being a student especially here in grad school it feels more like a job than studying.  There are no sembreaks. Just work.

Many people in facebook post sembreak in 1 day or things like that.  Reading these make me feel all the more homesick. I miss being a child.  My mom takes care of me.  I don't have to think of bills or eating delicious food.  I don't even have to think about who to talk to or who to go to.  I just go to my mom for help.  I miss talking to someone in my own language.  I miss being understood easily by a group of people and the group of people I am talking to also reply to me in return, without any language barrier.  I want to talk to someone, but I cant find that person.  It seems that I have been a pretty strong girl for the past few months, being like a rock, never talking to anyone in the laboratory for so many months and still staying happy and cheerful.  How did I do that?  Why did I become so weak upon staying in my home country for just a few days?

I didn't prepare for this.  I thought I would not feel this but I am now.  It seems as if I left myself somewhere in the air during my flight back here.  Self, wherever you are, please come back.  I need to do my experiment and I need strength.  I just wasted away two days already.  Life here in Japan is so fast, every second which I don't use efficiently is wasted. 

I have some things running through my head. About that scholarship. About that research profile Dr mel is asking.  About the stupid Softbank bill which reached a staggering 20000yen.  About my grandmum and my sister.  About my experiment.  How will I get back to myself again?

I plan to go home early tonight, get some good sleep hopefully I can be myself again tomorrow and do my experiment.  

Airport terminal

I am currently at NAIA terminal 2, the airport for the flag carrier airline Philippine Airlines.  I went here just to do a presentation about my research with my professor last thursday.  My presentation, thankfully, turned out fine.  The audience got interested in my research and some of the professors' comments were:

"Interesting Research"

"You explained it well."

"You did a really good presentation."

Most of my audience laughed at the jokes (which I prepared too).  In my short stay here in the Philippines, I got to fulfill all my objectives.  Im not mentioning some of them here though.  All i could say is that, my stay here has been a truly fruitful one.


here at the airport i could read a sign that says something like "This airport was constructed by Japan ODA..." I dont really know what ODA stands for, what kind of institution is that, but Japan is the country behind it.  It seems that Japanese government is helping Philippines somehow.  I mean, in the news, it is always about Japan giving ships to this country or... Japan  donating a train.  It makes me wonder why Japan is helping this country so much?  Why are they investing so much?

** changing blogging language**

May balak nga kayang sakupin ng bansang hapon ang pilipinas?  E kung meron nga, ayaw ba natin magpasakop sa kanila?  Syempre ayaw natin.  Kaya lang, minsan naiisip ko, baka mas kaya nilang mag-implement ng rules.  Naobserbahan ko kasi dito sa tin, marami tayong batas na magaganda, pero hindi naiimplement.  Sayang naman.  Mas magiging maunlad kaya tayo kung nagpasakop tayo?  Alam ko naman ayaw natin mangyari iyon.  Sana dumating ang panahon na kayang kaya nating tumayo sa sarili nating mga paa, na walang tulong galing kahit kanino, maging matatag at malakas na bansa, at balang araw, sana ang Japan ay hindi magsisi sa pagtulong sa tin.  Nagpapasalamat ako sa bansang hapon at sana may maibalik ako sa kanya balang araw.

**changing back to English**

Here at the airport there are so many different people with nationalities.  It makes me think that, in this world, there are so many people coming from different cultures, different backgrounds.  In Japan, generally, the image of Chinese people are not so good.  But being in this airport at this moemnt gave me an insight.  Even though we dont like them for being greedy, some chinese people are actually kind.  Not all are greedy.  And they are ordinary people, living an ordinary life. Sometimes, the greedy people are the ones seated in position, giving others a wrong impression.

Well, so much for a brief blogging time.  I have to sit down and wait for check in.  I am just using free online access here.  will get back to you soon after landing at KIX.  Osaka here i come! ';-)

strange

I haven't blogged for the longest time because as usual, I have been busy or sometimes, lazy.  Recently, I have been staying in the lab up until 10pm or 1030pm and i reach home at about 11.  I will have a presentation next week, not in Japan, but in my country, with my professor.  And i am sooo excited about it.  needless to say, i want to impress all the people who would be listening to me during that presentation.  I dont want to JUST PRESENT.  I want to PRESENT.

However, as i have planned to finish my target molecule in three remaining weeks before the presentation day, I got sick last weekend, which made me skip a lab day and thus i could not finish my compound anymore.  It feels as if i skipped two days actually, because last tuesday, I didnt do any work.  I fixed some documents for my scholarship application and enrollment.  Which leaves me with a few more days to start panicking.

No, im not gonna panic.  I know its impossible to finish the compound in a few days.  For crying out loud, its next week!  The best thing i can possibly do now is prepare a very very nice introduction which would capture their imagination, and well not dwell so much with the results.  "Its not important for the audience anyway, the more important thing for them is the purpose of the research," as my mouse professor said the other day.  (oddly,  i call him mouse because whenever i see him i think he looks like one).

so, nuff said about the presentation.  I actually wanted to start blogging again last sunday.  since my indonesian friend told me to update my blog and that she would check it once in a while.  Well, that gives me an encouragement. haha! unfortunately, last sunday, I think I ate fish and some rice for dinner.  It didnt taste quite odd.  I mean, it tasted a bit strange but i thought its not the "expired taste."  It was acceptable.

I finished almost the whole plate of it.  After about an hour, I started to feel soooo dizzy.  I felt like riding a huge amusement park ride for more than five times.  I looked at the time and it was just 830 or 9pm.  Perhaps i was feeling sleepy.  But how can i feel so sleepy its still too early!  I tried to watch a few videos to convince myself that i wasnt nauseous.  I also recorded myself singing and acting out some musical pieces from Les Miserables, Miss Saigon, and other songs.  But around 930 I think, I really felt I had to throw up.  I had to let this out.  I tried to hold it in, until i couldnt any longer.  I rushed to the toilet and started to vomit the culprit.  i felt relieved for a few minutes and i thought it was over.  After a few minutes i started to feel nauseous again and i threw up again.  This pattern repeated for three times. at about 12 midnight, i though it was over and i started to lie in bed.  I thought i let out all the fish and rice i ate.  i tried to watch some videos to keep my mind off the dizziness.  around 1 i closed my eyes and tried to sleep off the dizziness away.  I could not sleep.  2am and i was still awake.  In fact, by 2 am,  I could not even speak.  I mean i could speak but not so much because i felt so sick.  I felt like if i spoke a lot, i would throw up again.

I called my parents (good God theyre still awake), to ask them what i should do.  I am alone in my apartment and i dont know what to do.  I dont have porridge.  I dont have anything except heavy food, which needs some cooking.  They told me instructions like drink warm tea or warm water and i followed them.  For the next two hours i was throwing up continually in the toilet.  Even the hot tea i drank and the warm water mixed with some salt -- I barfed them all out.

so about 4am, I finally felt a bit relieved, but my stomach was quite painful because of throwing up.  my throat and mouth is also tired and tastes funny.  I was exhausted and i just wanted to sleep.  I cant possibly go to lab tomorrow.

The next day i woke up at 8am, I was thinking to inform my boss that i couldnt make it to lab today, or at least i will be late for work, and come in the afternoon.  I cooked porridge for myself (its my first time to cook porridge)  and about 930am i called my boss through his mobile phone.  He wasnt picking up.  I didnt want to call the laboratory to inform the students of my condition, its quite embarrassing.  so i called the "mouse prof."  Turns out, he was also sick.  I could hear his sickly voice as he told me he caught colds.  He told me i could rest in my home for the whole day and i didnt have to come to school.  Good thing he told that to me, I was planning to go to school in the afternoon.  Later that afternoon i realized i couldnt work.  I was too weak.

I went out of the house around 2 pm to buy something to eat and buy some yoghurt and bread and fruits and Pocari Sweat.  haha!  I need the electrolytes.  Yea, I could recover that day.  I needed one day to recover and the next day, i was back in the lab.  my mom told me that i was lucky, cause some people they dont recover easily from food poisoning and in some cases people have to be taken to the hospital.  yea, I'm one lucky girl.

Okay so thats the gist of what has happened.

Gotta get working now,,, ill update more later... :D
^_^

LAByrinth

Yes.. Last week, I THOUGHT i already solved the million dollar problem in my research.  I THOUGHT.  Now i am stuck again.  Mass spectrum data and NMR data wont match with theoretical data, therefore, the compound i am analyzing now is not my target compound.  This is like one of the worst days ever and i just want to shout here in the laboratory. I am )$'%)"'#$)" doing my best here.  What the hell? why does this have to be so difficult. What should i do next/  You know what, i can't breathe now cause i am very PISSED.  I cant breathe like normal.  I really want to punch something or someone.  I really am TIRED.  I want to cry!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!  I just used up all my starting material for trying this reaction because I believed I got the right thing.  SH######TTTTTT....

T_T you can kill me now. :'-(

This week, my life has never been so exciting I feel. Just this week I figured out the solution to the problem I have in my research. Now I can progress smoothly , I hope. It was quite tricky and difficult to discover , but I realized it. Although no one lauded me, I feel satisfied that I could solve it. Hate those ego filled grrrr anyway hahahhaha ... I also have been recently trying to astral project. This is scary for me when I heard it for the first time, but it reall arouses my curiosity. I feel more curious than afraid. I have been trying it for 3 days now, with no success but with improvement, or At least I think. Two days ago I had a hard time focusing. They say you're gonna feel paralyzed. Today I wasn't sure if I was paralyzed or not, but one thing I was sure about was that I felt numb. After I woke up completely , I searched the net about it and found out that numbness is the initial manifestation of paralysis. If only I continued to stay numb, maybe, just maybe, I could have successfully astral projected. I will do it again tonight or tomorrow morning. It is scary, but I am so curious about it, and I want to prove it. Wish me the best! Time for church now, see you later!

how to be happy in the future

Since i checked my profile and saw that more and more of you are reading my blog, I want to post about my recent realizations.  These may help you in life. *_*

Not too serious now....  I put the important things in bold letters. Have fun reading!

^_^

One of the best things that i want to share with you is this: "Live the moment."

Often times we are always on a hurry in life.  What we fail to realize is that each moment that we breathe is   a gift.  When time passes, its gone, forever.  The present is the path towards the future.  In order for the future to become stable enough, we have to live the moment.  "I wish I were ____again."  we often hear this dont we?  Well we dont have to be like this.  We can be happy every moment.  We just have to choose happiness.  Yes, it is a choice.

We can be happy even if we are already tired.  Two saturdays ago I didnt want to take my sister and treat her to dinner because im quite tired and i dont want to spend money.  I just want to lie down and sleep or watch a movie at home.  But then that time i realized, my sister is not always here with me.  One day, before i know it, she will leave and i would be sitting here thinking "what if?"

What if, I went with her to this restaurant, or what if she were here... what will we do together?  There are moments when I thought about these things, especially im leaving alone here, away from my family.  but i realized that now that my family's here, i am letting it go and trying to hold on to the things i want to do which i can actually do later.

Every chance that comes to you, every moment of your life, you live it.  you breathe, think, of the present so that when the future comes you will not have your what ifs or regrets.

To all of you singles, or youth, young at heart, and so on:  

You dont hurry to get a boyfriend/girlfriend.  You dont hurry to be wed.  You dont hurry to be an adult.  You live every moment.  Now that you are single, now that you are young, this is your time for yourself.  This is your time to find out who you are -- to know yourself more.  This is your only unique special time to be stable and to know your principles in life, to know your identity.  You discover many things about yourself which you can share with your future.  This is what will make you, yourself.  Never mind all the other people, just know this --- do not hurry.

In choosing people, you should know your principles first.  in choosing people it is best to choose based on the principles you have.  hold on to your principles, you dont compromise your principles.  In my case, my greatest principle is God.  I will follow his ways and i never want to compromise any of those.  I am not myself without those principles.  It is part of my identity.  Having the same principles in life will give you and your relationship with others a sound foundation.  it is like the cement which anchors two people to the ground and makes them connected and stick with each other forever.

Friends, i have many other things to share.  i shall continue in another blog.  please digest these things right now. espeically the ones in bold fonts. :D

grad school Life...

Happy Tuesday everyone. I havent been around for a while because i have been sooooo busy... i couldnt even turn on my laptop at home sometimes.  LOL....sorry friends...

For the rest of this week i will be preparing for my progress report on saturday.  Gosh, I do not have good enough data worthy of presenting.  Hope everything works out well.  Please wish me the best.

Every monday in our lab, there is one person assigned to report about a science journal, well preferably related to our research topic.  I am actually starting to think that Mondays are *I-feel-so-stupid-I-can't-understand-anything* day.  Yes, they are speaking in Nihonggo.  Yes.  But I don't think it's just the language barrier.  I think it is about the topic --- i am not so familiar with it.  Why?!? I'm hesistant to ask a question, because my question may be too basic and too easy for them..  Every monday night, I have to suffer two hours or so of listening to a report which i completely dont get.  Every monday, I start to ask the billion dollar question...."What am I doing here?"

Which brings me to remember a post i have read about graduate school.  I have read about different people feeling the same way as me... but sometimes, i cant help but think i am alone and everyone else does far better than me.... T_T -------S.O.S.

shifting the topic of my blog, i wanna share with you something which happened today... something EXCITING.

early today while i was preparing for my obento, I was using my knife to cut the butter. well, lucky me, i cut my finger instead.  Blood gushed out *gross* and i rushed to the washroom and put some first aid on my hand.  Ok that dealt with it... later today i was almost late for lab, and i accidentally hit the part where i cut my finger,... now lots of blood came gushing out again.... lol.... anyway i went back home and re-fixed my hand, and now its doing well, so i can type this blog.. LOL!!!

Later today, or tonight... i will be uploading some of the things, precious things, i realized... you know some things might help you in some situations... Please read 'em ~_~

I hope we will all have a great tuesday everyone... See you later! time for some column chromatography :-D

Time is more precious than gold.  Live every moment of it.

-eri

Howdy friends! Long time no blog... I haven't blogged for about a week? It has been a very busy week for me. From like Wednesday to Friday I have been staying in the lab till 10pm. This is without overtime pay, cause its not really a job, it's called studying. As my friend said, my overtime pay is my data, just don't think about whether it is good or bad data. I am now in the train heading for church as I write this blog. Its 952am, the church service starts at 10am and I will be like 30 minutes late. Honestly I really don't want to go out of my room this early but I really want to go to church. Anyway, this week it has been pretty depressing. I worked so hard for four reactions. One of my target products for this week is ver difficult to purify. I hate the sticky caramel like byproduct which formed; it is very ver very difficult to separate. I got a low yield 29%. And that sucks. I used 200mg for the next reaction. Starting material was NMR pure; I don't know why the next reaction I only got 5 % yield. It brings me so much pain. I know I did everything right!!!!!!!!!! T.T anyway what the hell..,, organic synthesis - sometimes you just can't tell what will happen even though you've tried the same reaction n times. Oh that's lab life. I know it's Sunday a rest day but my mind can't stop thinking about my result and it's getting really annoying. I really want to run back to the LAb now and do my experiment, but that wouldnt really make a balanced life would it? I want to have a balanced life. I really dont know if my life is balanced now, but at least in my perspective it is. I try my best to maintain it. Now I feel like someone shot me. I feel like I want to lie down in my bed for a whole day and do nothing, but that would also kill me - wastin time. I ha e a deadline to beat my time is running so fast. I have to finish this comp soon. I know my sensei is waiting for it really patiently. Everytime I get bad results I sort of feel like I am the scum of the earth. I feel very bad. This is why I am depressed this week. I want to be smarter!!!! I want to be more skilled!!!! Ughgggggghh..., T.T I don't want to let my sensei down I am working my best here.... My phone bat is now 61% I have to save it till tonight. Back to blogging later!!!

_______

I cannot think of a good title right now.  So it's 930pm and I just got home.  I feel like I didn't do anything today.  My research did not progress.  Today, I attended two classes.  the first was nanoscale engineering and the second one was theory in material science.  I was late for the first class because I just checked the schedule for the class and I was surprised that this class was held tuesday 2d period.  So I was late.  Plus when I got there, the room was jam-packed with Japanese students, the professor was speaking in Nihonggo, and I got a glimpse of the alien-like writings on the blackboard.  I chickened out.  I didnt enter the room and went to Graduate School of Engineering Science Office first to confirm if i were right.  Turns out, it was really the class I was looking for, so I went back to class and entered the room.  I tried, for a few minutes, to listen to the professor.  but it was all I could give -- a few minutes.  If i had stayed there longer I would die.  I think I only was there for 5 or 10 minutes and that's it.  I knew this class wasn't for me at all.  I couldn't understand his talking and I couldn't make any sense of any of the characters he wrote on the board.  Even if i could understand his Japanese, I won't understand his topic.  So I got out of the room, as if i were suffering from suffocation.  LOL

After I went back to lab from the horrifying class and lunch break, I felt sleepy.  I actually couldn't do my experiment.  Blame it on the siesta fever. LOL.  I didn't sleep and I forced myself to do my experiment.  2:40pm and it was time for my second class for the day.  I was again, late.  I forgot the time doing my experiment.  I rode my bicycle on the way to the other building and i got a bit lost around campus, which was basically why I arrived to class at around 2:50pm.  The room was again full of people but this time the professor was speaking in English.  I occupied the last seat at the back of the room near the door so I couldn't hear his voice so clearly.  I tried to follow him though.  His lecture was very interesting.  It was the one I wanted to understand.  about operators and stuff.  quantum mechanics.  eigenstates and eigenvalues.  spin states.  Yes.  I want to understand these stuff since last term.  It's not totally related to my research but I believe I can make good use of it some time in the future.  I think it would help me understand chemistry more and so I can analyze my compound properties easier.  The professor's explanation was nice and careful.  I think he really cared if his students understood his points or not.  Unfortunately, since I was sleepy at that time, I couldn't help but fall asleep.  LOL.  One minute he was talking about |0> being a vacuum state and c dagger is the creation factor.  i could follow what he was saying.  I had no idea how long i fell asleep but when i woke up it was like a different class suddenly.  I couldn't connect anything about what he said before i slept with what I was hearing the moment I woke up.  LOL.  I tried to get his slides so I could read it later in the lab.  Later on I realized, even if i read it, i still have tons of questions like, "why is it important to know the electrons momentum and position? what will we know from that? Why is it such a big deal?!?!?"  I will ask him after two weeks cause next week he will be going to nagoya university.

After I got back to lab, as usual, I continued to do my experiment.  I was feeling tired even though it seems i didnt do so much work in the lab today.  I admit that I'm getting more and more depressed with my compound because why does it take such a long time to synthesize the starting materials?  I know I can do it faster, but the purification, the recrystallization, is taking forever!  my time is ticking, I have a deadline to beat. I just wanted to sit there.  It was one of those moments which makes me think about questions like, "what is my purpose in life?"  "What am I here for?"  "What am I doing here?" T_T

After dinner, I continued doing my experiment.  Not so much work today, only recrystallization and treatment of one of my reactions.  One of the best advice i can give to my future self is that, in organic synthesis, in one day, if i still have some energy and time left before the day ends, I should do an experiment by all means.  It is because not all days you can have such kind of energy and not all days you can have the luxury of time.  Just keep swimming girl and you'll get there somehow, someday, someway.

Lastly, today i also got a lot of calls but most of them I didn't answer.  I felt it was too mendoukusai.
I know that they will just be asking me questions not related to my research or chemistry.  (I know I'm mean)
I just felt lazy talking to them maybe.

by the way, I got 3 separate invitations to hanami. everyone is just so happy that spring is here i believe.
tomorrow is a new day, hope i can do more for my research.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EunqF5gfyMo

GAMAN from ALLEGIANCE.


It's one of those songs which I feel like singing in the lab while working on my compound.


by the way, gaman is the nihonggo word for magtiis ka.
a.k.a.  ENDURE THE WICKED PAIN BABEH.

"gaman this word
to be spoken and heard
in this place where each face tells a story of faith
gaman we would say
as we get through each day
we will bear any nightmare
with a simple refrain
gaman...
gaman...
sturdy and sure
keep faith and endure
gaman gaman
hold your head high, carry on
gaman....

so come walk with me
through our adversity
hold my hand as we each stand
squarely and plain
our spirit renewed
.....
we know there's no turning back...

for better or worse,
whether blessed or cursed,
together we'll ever remain

Gaman. gaman. sturdy and sure
keep faith and endure
gaman gaman.
dignity pride as we stand side by side
even when all hope seems gone
gaman...
gaman....
gaman...."

Groar

I really don't know what kind of title goes with today... I feel extremely sleepy now, and i really can't work, it is like my head is floating up above with the clouds and my eyelids really feel the force of gravity.  I haven't done anything yet, just treatment of yesterday's compound and recrystallization of CN compound.  it is in a few gram scale so i can't really do anything about it.  Oh well, I will just wait for the bromo compound till reaction's over (hoping for 80% yield or higher on that) and for now i should read on literature.  God help me to stay awake.

Super Monday

Do you know the song which goes like "just another manic monday.."  Well i guess it doesn't sync with what i felt this monday.  When I woke up today I was feeling so happy because I get a new day to work.  It sounds odd but I really feel happy about having a new day.  Today early, I prayed to God to help me make new friends and to help me with my research.  Interestingly, God answered me back about the first onegai koto. He questioned, "how can you make friends if you don't spend some time with the people you want to be friends with?"  I realized that He was right.  I have to have some time for them.  So I did the impossible.  I asked them all out to lunch.  This is quite embarrassing and difficult for me. Actually I don't want to eat with these people.  I can't really follow their conversations and they don't really talk with me during lunch ( i feel like a spirit ghost -- as if they don't see me).  But I followed God anyway...

Yea, so today, I invited them to lunch but in the end only three people went.  That was the H., K., and me.
(I'm not giving any names to be safe... LOL!)  When i asked them for having lunch, I could just see they were soooo delighted.  Not to exaggerate, but I really saw them smile. LOL.

I realized, these people are people.  They're not robots as I thought. LOL.  =))  Even though they act like robots, never talk and just work all day (which btw drives me crazy), they are not.  They are people; they have feelings.  They tried talking to me during lunch and I was laughing inside my head because I realized they were like little children. LOL.

Oh I forgot to mention what happened in the morning...

Well from 9 to 1130, I just did column chromatography.  Maybe i had about what? like 4.0grams of raw material? I forgot.  Also, I combined and summarized all the compounds i have synthesized and put the same ones in only one sample tube.  This would help me organize all my compounds.

After lunch, I finished my column, and started a new reaction.  It's not really new, in fact, i have done it  n times.  I did two reactions in the afternoon in huge scales.  The first one is a 5 gram scale and the second reaction was in 15.0gram scale.  That's amazing and not to mention tiring.

hmmm what else... I washed and washed and washed glassware,...  LOL

I didnt have the time to read some literature today, or even textbook.  I couldn't even go down to register my bicycle as a handai bicycle.  I didn't have so much time to sit down today because I was doing experiments the whole day.

by the way, I hate handling halogens!!! They suck.

Especially bromine.  It just has to be in the hood.  and you just have to have gloves.  today I had two gloves worn on each of my hands.  I don't want any spills.  It's understandable.  I just used 19grams of bromine.  And thats a huge amount.

Iodine is not as dangerous as bromine, but i hate the stain of iodine which takes like 2 to 3 weeks before its totally removed (I've had miserable experiences with iodine).  I hate the HI acid which is produced when it reacts with water.  It made my hand suffer for 2 weeks, if i remember correctly.

It's almost 10 and I feel like a total zombie now.  I got home 930pm I am so tired and sleepy.
What a day.... it was just soooooooper.

P.s, i forgot to mention what was his name i forgot his name ... ahhhhh i remember.. anyway... this guy, he was so kind.. i think he wants to be friends.. LOL... so today i found some new friends i guess.  I gave them  chocnut.  this omiyage i gave them from my country.  It is like the meiji chocolate of my country.

snooze... ZZZZZZZZ bye.

April 9, 2012 (Monday) New lab day

Hello.  Today is the first day of the week and what a wonderful day it is.  I don't really feel like singing "Just another manic Monday..." because i'm actually very happy that i woke up today fine and safe, to continue my work in the lab.  I just prayed to God to help me do my experiments today and to help me keep a good relationship with everyone in the lab, my professors and lab mates alike.  My work is not an easy job and I prayed to God to give me wisdom and knowledge on how to do my work.  I asked him to grant me the wisdom to decide which I should do next, so that I can finish in the shortest time possible.

I am going to prepare my lunch and dinner now, see you later.

April 8, 2012 (Sun)

Hello Easter Sunday! It's a nice warm spring day today.  Research progress went smoothly, until that fateful day...

me:  the C.A. derivative is brown.
lab mate:  brown? no no no, it's not supposed to be brown, it is supposed to be colorless.
me: what? but i always get brown.  Since the first time i synthesized this compound (which was like since forever), I've been getting brown.  (It just can't be colorless).
lab mate:  no, i will show you a pure stored sample *searches in the fridge* there we go!  (got a sample tube with a small amount of crushed colorless crystals labeled with CAder)
me: eeek. speechless (i felt that i was about to die)
lab mate: @_@


Okay.  So since that fateful day, I had to go back to my scheme.  And since that fateful day, my research has not yet progressed smoothly as before.  I just feel like total garbage because I have to do it all over again.  The bright side, however, is that I learned my lesson.  A lot of lessons, actually.  But what kind of expensive mistake is this?!?!   It destroyed my hopeful spirit T_T

Yesterday, ah no, last friday, my professor saw me reading some literature and told me he wants to have my compound.  At that point, I just melted right there.  I know its already taking forever.  I know, I know I almost got to the end.  but I made a huge mistake in the middle, and so now i have to start from the beginning.  Why, my whole world crumbled down when I heard him say that.  In reply, I just explained to him about my mistake, and said that I was sorry and I will work harder.  But I AM already working hard and actually
I don't know how to work harder.  geez.

Please God help me with my research.  I want to get my compound as soon as possible.

I even have a deadline to beat.  My progress report is in around 1 month.  I really want to present some good data and a PROGRESS report --- the way my research PROGRESSED, not the opposite.

I was feeling rather sad about my research but i can't do anything except to go back down to my scheme and wait.  I am a "homey" person -- in my definition it means "one who likes to decorate the house."  I dont know why but i feel happy when i decorate a house and make it more "homey." Yesterday I rearranged the furniture in my small home.  What I like best is the comfort room.  I made it look like a pretty room, far from what it was before.  I placed a framed picture of Johnny Depp (quite odd to put it on the bathroom wall).  It's so pretty in fact, I'm ready to accept guests in my small home.  I'd be delighted to invite someone over.
Anyway, I put all my energy in rearranging and pushing all the furniture all around the house last night for about 2 to 3 hours.  when i was about to sleep i was tired and happy. :-O

Okay time's up its almost 9, I gotta clean up and go to church.  see you later, alligator! :D

Lab Life 101

I created this blog so that I can air out about what I feel when I do my work.  I am a graduate student of organic chemistry.  I think the subject itself is fun and interesting but it is a very hard work.  I need to make a compound -- to make this compound I have to do a gazillion experiments (not to mention all the bad results and failed experiments).  So anyway, this is what this blog is going to be about.  ^_^ from today onwards, I'll narrate my EXCITING lab(oratory) life.      (In currently in a relationship with my research)  So see you around!