In Zurich

Ok... I have just arrived last monday here in Switzerland.  I actually have not yet had a decent 'rest' since I came;  there has always been a thing or two to do each time.  I am tired and I feel quite disoriented.  I am happy, but I think that I just need a lil more time before I fully adjust.

So today I went to discuss about my research topic with my professor.  Hell yeah, I'm a PhD student.  God. let me say that again to help myself sink it in my brain- I AM A PHD STUDENT.
PhD.  Why the fuck did I even bother to apply for it?  Here I am, just third day of being a PhD student and already I am having all these questions in my head.  I want to have a family. I want to have a life.  I want to have a job which is not stressful.  Then why did i even apply for PhD????

anyway, I'm happy that i got in this university. I mean it's prestigious, and I loooove it! I mean, in my first three days here, I really felt they were giving a lot of money for research and education.  and they value the students.  and learning.  So yeah, I am loving it.

but then today I have talked with my professor about my research topic.  It seems to me that it is a LOT of work.  moreover, i will continue the work of a previous student, and of course we need good results.  I mean - everyone needs good results, right. come on, good results = good money. and good reputation.

Never mind the money, but the reputation.  I don't want to destroy my name.  I want to have good results, but as most of graduate school students know, good results are not always guaranteed... even if you work your ass off.

And I sincerely want to pull this off, but i need a lot of patience and work.  Where do I fucking begin?  I just came here last monday january 6, and here i am, confused, disoriented, suffering from jet lag, and most of all, I'm scared.

I'm nervous.  I wanna do well and live up to their expectations of me, but how?  I am trying my best now, and for the past few days i think i have been meeting their expectations and I am adjusting pretty well (at least it seems to them).  But I'm really so scared and clueless. I have a lot of things to consider and I think i need some help from someone.  Okay, calm down eli, calm down.

I need some time to settle.  Time difference is huge.  I kind of miss talking to my family every night.  I couldn't talk with my family and friends cause of the time difference.  need to calm myself doooowwwnnn..

Research Proposal

Okay, I have been busy with my life recently.  I went home to Philippines and went back to Japan to take the JLPT N2 level examination last December 1.  I was studying Japanese everyday and reading all the long Japanese passages for the reading comprehension section and memorizing all the grammar uses of certain Japanese expressions, and of course Kanjis.  I got a bit crazy since I crammed everything and studied for the exam only for less than 2 months.  without any teacher explaining to me.  Anyway thats done.  I gotta write another post about JLPT examination itself.

So now that I got back from Japan, I am starting to prepare myself to go to Switzerland, meet my future professor and colleagues and also study at ETH Zurich! Yey!  So recently I saw the updated 2013 Shanghai university rankings.  Osaka University was somewhere ranked at 85 in the whole world.  ETH Z ürich, on the other hand, was ranked at 20.  That's 20 for pete's sake! And it's pretty high!

Okay, I admit that I am overwhelmed and I am really really excited to go to Zürich.  In fact, I have already bought my plane ticket about a month ago.  When I went to Japan last week I have already done some winter clothes shopping, since I am expecting Zürich to be very cold when I arrive there on the 5th of January.  Last time I checked, winter temperatures can reach up to about -20 degrees Celsius.  That's REALLY cold.  and I'm coming from 28 degrees celsius btw.

Anyway, so I have already prepared a list of things to do this December.  Of course I have to study for Chemistry.  I mean, I have to show off somehow.  LOL.  I checked the profiles of my future colleagues there and I must admit it was a bit intimidating.  Not only were they from top ranking universities around the world, they also looked older than me.  Okay, I guess I really need to pull myself together.

So in this past week I was reading about chemistry, the new lab's research, etc.  I have to know about their topic and I have to at least have some ideas on making a new molecule.  I want to impress my future boss and colleagues altogether.  I am also studying how to make a good first impression at work, especially I am meeting them on January 6, right after I arrive there.  I want to look my best by dressing properly and I need to work on eye contact and smile, firm handshake.  I have to appear very professional, even though I am probably younger than most, if not the youngest of my colleagues.  I have to arrive there early and prepared.  Even though I think I will be on jet lag during that time, I need to hide it.  I have to re-read that book Convince them in 90 seconds or less.  This book really helped me a lot.

Next in line would be Research.  Research. Research.  I gotta think of a good idea.  Something which has never been done before.  To do that I have to know about their research.  I have to rethink everything and I have to know what to expect.  I can't go there unprepared.  So I have been reading about their research.  and i have already guessed which kind of research will be assigned to me.  I have been doing this for two days now, but its not easy thinking about a new topic.  something somebody has never done before. I need to learn more about basic chemistry, this will help me somehow.

Anyway, i was supposed to write about the things i thought of today, but anyway, i am feeling tired of blogging now, maybe tomorrow or day after the next i will write about it!

Ciao!

Memoirs from my college days: a reflection of my college life

Dear blogger,

Sometimes i think about my college days.  i sometimes log in my facebook account to check on my old college classmates cause i wonder what they are doing now.  

I was a part of a biochemistry class with about 40 students in the freshman year.  By the end of the second semester of the freshman year, only half of the students without fail remained.  Some already were shifting to other courses and others were retaking the same courses because a lot have failed.  I tried my best to stay on track and pass everything.  I gave my all for me not to repeat anything.  By the time our class have reached the second year, we were getting fewer and fewer and most of us got separated because of schedule conflict.  Those who had failures had to change their schedules from the pre-set schedules given by the administration because they were not regular students anymore.  My circle of friends became fewer and fewer too because everyone was separate and the only people i went with were the ones without failures.  I was with them during lunch time and so on.  Actually, i should be happy that i was one of the students who were passing everything one semester after another.  But actually, the fewer we got, the tougher the competition became. 

Some, or most, of the students who were left were the ones competing for the top spot.  Not only that, they were also proud.  Although they had good grades, their characters were questionable.  It is somewhat surprising to me in the beginning, but i didnt want to be the one who was defeated, so i kept on fighting.  On our final year as biochemistry, only five or so people remained without any failures and who were expected to graduate on time.  I was not close to any of my classmates.  Neither were they close with each other.  Nobody was close with whoever amongst the five. And what.the.fuck.  We should've been closer, but we grew further apart.

I got a scholarship to study in japan when i almost graduated from my undergrad, and many of them got envious of me.  I could tell from their words.  

Surprising thing is, those who had worse grades or those with the not so good grades were kinder...

Those who had high grades, on the other hand, were the ones who said really mean things to me...and we spent more time together because we passed each subject together..

Or maybe, this trend is not surprising at all...

I graduated and i was the only one selected to go to japan for further education.

It seems impossible.  I was not the smartest in our class that is probably why they didnt expect me to get the scholarship.  At that time, i just wanted to graduate from my university and i never wanted to be with those people again. They were the worst people. And thats why i worked so hard to keep my cool and pass everything. I didnt want to spend one more day again in my university.

Fast forward to today... I was just thinking.... Did i enjoy my college life?

I actually dont know. I think i didnt enjoy it. High school life was acceptable, but i wont say i really enjoyed it too.  College life, well, i didnt enjoy it. I enjoyed my college life mostly because of my professors who i learned from, but regarding those people? No, i didnt.  

Those who had failures, they had the time to go on bars on saturday nights,.. Those who failed, they had time to play computer games.  they had money to spend for one more semester.  They had the time to join the organizations which took up their time.

As for me, i didnt have those. Every monday to thursday, we had lecture days.  Fridays i had to do some lab work. Saturdays, i had to study for exams the following week and i also had to balance that with family time.  Of course, i have to watch a movie with my family.  No matter how busy school is.  

Sundays are for church.  The whole morning i will be in church.  We usually got home by 2 pm, sometimes 3, and the rest of the afternoon until evening is for siesta and studying. So you see how much time i actually have remaining for all the things i had to study.  And that is not so much. I endured a lot. I suffered a lot to pass everything. In the end i didnt enjoy. Was it worth it to pass everything then?

Of course it was worth it.  If i had stayed for one more day there, i wouldnt be happy i think. I would be in a worse situation.  Even though i dont have a lot of friends, most of my acquaintances know me as one of the smartest in our class. I wasnt the smartest but at least i passed everything. And i was lucky, i was the only one given the scholarship. The top students hated me or envied me for that...

I admit that i envy those people who had good friends in college.  For example, my sister had a wonderful, college life.  In fact, she loved it so much that she didnt want to graduate lol :)) she had quite a few good friends too.  I envy those people who have a class picture.  In my class we only had one photo, and that was during our freshman year, but at the end of the biochemistry course, we all went our separate ways already.  We never had our own class picture.

I am just telling this story cause nobody really knew what happened in my college days. Just for documentation's sake.  Now that i think back, yea, i didnt have a great high school life, i most certainly didnt have a great college life, but i now i am having a great graduate life.  I have become independent and mature and i have realized many things which cannot be learned inside a classroom.  I saw and i experienced those things which cannot be experienced within my own country.  I am moving toward a brighter future. And that is the best thing now in my life.  Since i was a child, i perhaps knew already that i would be making a lot of friends from different countries, and not only friends from my country.

I dont even know if i am making sense to you now... Hahaha...

Anyway thank god, thank the universe, for making this all work, and at the end, i win.

So in life, the most important things are these: hard work and positivity.

I may sound like a depressed kiddo to you though.  I should say that i have this thing i noticed with myself: i could not easily forget those things which have hurt me.  There were also a lot of happy times in my college life, and with those same people, but they hurt me at one point, and they have hurt me intensely, and so that's why that is the only thing i remember. The hurt.  I am like this.  The happy memories get overshadowed by the painful ones.  

I didnt tell you that i joined a competition for pre-medicine students from other schools, and it was a happy memory for me.  Of course i have more happy memories.

The thing that i realize now is that, i really didnt have confidence at that time.  I didnt believe in myself and in my capabilities,  although i was doing fine in school, i was not confident of my actions and of myself. --- and that is important in life, you know?

Anyway--- this blog post is to be continued.

Siomai

I don't know you guys, i think since cooking is similar to chemistry in some ways, i might turn this blog into an experiment blog.  I am usually experimenting with either chemicals, or different types of flavor for food. 

Let me just give you one of my experiments today: siomai.

For those of you who are unaware, siomai is a chinese pork dumpling.  (Well you can put seafood in as well..) anyway, yesterday, chef taught us how to prepare this excellent dish. It looked something like this:

Actually, it tastes even better than it looks.  It was amazing.  Flavors were good and strong.  I liked it so much. I brought home some and my parents liked it too.

So i wanted to try it again. After all, the recipe wasnt so difficult. 

Yesterday i bought some pork for preparing this. 

This afternoon i prepared it by myself.

Unfortunately, the taste was not so good.

So trial 1 of siomai failed.

There are only two possible reasons:

1. The pork was already old

2. I put in too much shitake mushroom

I based my first postulate on my mom's suggestion, who is a good cook.  Also, the way the pork tastes, based on my own judgement... The pork indeed tastes old.  It didnt taste so good.  It tastes a bit expired.  I wasnt sure though.

The mushroom idea came from mom.  For me i dont think it was too much, but it is still a possibility.  

Therefore in the next trial, i would like to buy a fresher pork to use, and less mushroom.  Then lets see if this will change the flavor.  Hopefully i get it next time.

Although not good tasting, i still took a photo of my own siomai first trial which is still uncooked. 

It looked something like this.  It is still raw (i didnt put it in the steamer anymore, because the first few siomais didnt taste well. ) anyway i took the photo for remembrance's sake. 

Next trial, i hope to do better.  

The taste was bad but not so bad... It was just the meat taste was not so good. 

I want that same taste of siomai as the chef did! I wanna be a good chef!!! :) 

Home sweet home

For some reason, i feel like writing a blog today.  Okay. Let me continue about what happened AFTER i got back home.  I went back home because of the visa procedures to switzerland.  Later on i found out that i didnt actually have to go home for the procedures because everything will be done in switzerland.

Anyway, as i was saying, i went back home last october 7.  It was a monday.  I booked this ticket which cost me about 18000 yen (~9000php), including a 30kg baggage allowance.  I did not hAve anymore money with me, except for the two thousand yen left in my wallet.  I had no more iphone with me, no credit card with me.  I just thought of going home.  I did not know the actual weight of my baggage, whether or not it will exceed 30kg because i only booked 30kg.  If it exceeds, then i would have to pay. But i forgot to think about that. I was so busy that day that i forgot to think about the possibility of exceeding the baggage weight limit and that i should bring extra money for that.  Luckily, when i was at the check in counter, we weighed my luggage and it was exactly 31kg.  I had to remove 1kg only, (thank god) and i did.  When i returned back to weigh it in again, it was 29.5kg. I sure deserved a pat on the back because of the pretty accurate estimation.  Lol. *good job, eli! *

I was back here by about 8pm philippine time.  The flight was boring, there was absolutely nothing to do.  As soon as i saw my mom who was there to pick me up from the airport, i was happy.  I am meeting my parents and i am home.

Of course, i miss japan life.  Well, i can never go out at night here in my country. I can never drink with other girls and go home at 12 and feel safe. I can never go on dates here (at least ask my parents for permission).... I knew that so well.  Luckily i got to apply one of the things i learned last 2012.  Live the moment. Every moment i spent in japan, especially the last few days, i lived it. I savoured every moment as if a hungry dog was savoring all the flavors from a well cooked meat.  I did not want to miss out on life and i didnt want to regret leaving japan, and so i took advantage of the moment. I did EVERYTHING I WANTED TO DO, ESPECIALLY THE THINGS WHICH I COULD NEVER DO IN MY COUNTRY.
And i enjoyed. A LOT.

As soon as i was back home, i studied japanese. I am taking JLPT. i thought about taking this exam or not.  I thought and said that, i stayed in japan for three years.  Sure i got my degree, and i suffered a whole fucking lot for it.  Sure i gained friends, sure, i gained wisdom and experience.   But is that all there is i can get? What else can i get? I said to myself that, if i am leaving in japan and i suffered a lot here, i will make sure that i also get something good for myself out of the suffering.  And that is precisely why i am taking jlpt. I am getting myself a certificate for getting a recognition for my japanese capability and who knows? It may be my additional source of income one day.  You can never tell.  Besides, it is a good credential.

Of course, it is not a walk in the park.  My level is not that high, especially i stopped learning japanese.  I am taking a high level jlpt n2, and for that i need to work my ass off. So thats why i am spending my time learning japanese.

Aside from learning japanese, i have also studied cooking asian cuisine.  For the past week, i have learned how to cook thai, vietnamese, japanese, korean, and chinese food.  I tried to cook some dishes by myself at home, without the assistance of chef, but i couldnt quite perfect it.  Anyway, it was a first trial, so its actually okay.

I have been trying to prepare food for the past few days, and i hope i could become a good chef.  I want to have a small coffee shop or restaurant someday, so i need to learn cooking and baking... Besides, i am a chemist... And chemists, by default, should be good cooks.     Especially, organic chemists. Lol.

So i am practicing cooking and japanese.  What else? I also have watched lea salonga, lisa macuja, and cecile licad's last performace together in one stage.  Oh they were amazing.  They were three godesses in one stage. I am so happy i was able to watch them. I mean they are world renowned and other people from other countries would watch them for more than what i paid for.  Actually, since i am currently unemployed and bankrupt because of shopping for books and clothes, i asked my mom to buy me a ticket.  The ticket at the far end, the cheapest available one, was at 2000php.  Though it was far from stage, it was okay, i could still see them.  And hear them. Lol.  I am so lucky because i was randomly browsing through lea salonga's website a day before the concert and i saw this concert which i never heard of.  i got a hold of the ticket. Lucky me!

Another thing i am doing now is i am studying computer programming.  I really want to be a good phd student to dr. Yoko, and so i am working on my skills.  I realized that the more you have skills, the more you become indispensible as an employee.  I want to be special to this group.  I want to be that girl who have skills and is hard working.  I want to be a better person.

I dont know, of course, if my time will permit it.  I have bought a ticket to fly back to japan on nov 24  to dec 8.  Jlpt will take place on dec 1.  When i return from japan, back to my country, for the month of december, i will study chemistry and computer programming.  I will try to do my best in the limited span of time.  Ganbatte! For my future.

I have other things to do here, like meeting my friends and so on.  I never thought i would be this busy.  I thought that i would be less busy when i get home but actually no.  Haha. Oh well, i guess if you're busy with many things, that is a good sign.  It means you are doing something with your life and not wasting your time.  :)

I hope i can pass that jlpt and do everything.  I am catching my time and learning japanese everyday.  A lot of things to remember.

What did i do from sept 25 to oct 7?

I bought a ticket flying back home to my country on october 7.  So what did i do in osaka from sept 25 to oct 7? I did an experiment.

But not ordinary laboratory experiment.  No.  It was a kind of social experiment.

I kind of wondered well, "i almost got everything i wanted.  What else do i want in my life?"  I asked this question to myself.

I got an answer, "i want love life. Lol." 

Yeah, does sound cheesy or unprofessional or call it whatever, but i think it's normal. Friends with the same age as me have had boyfriends or have a boyfriend now... I know i am not looking for love because i am incomplete.  In fact, i am comfortable with myself and i am happy being alone.  But it's just that i am curious and i want to feel that different kind of thrill.  The kind that makes you very happy and very enthusiastic about a simple day.  Not that i am not 'genki' enough per day, close friends of mine would tell you i act similar to a girl who had too much caffeine.  It's just that i want to feel it and i am curious and i would wonder at least how that feels like to have a special someone and have that someone make you feel the sparks and all that.

So i did an experiement.  From about sept to october, i tried to get the guy i have been liking for the past year.  I was not even aware i liked him because i ignored my feelings for him since i started to like him because i didnt want to get hurt and i just wanted to study first and finish my masters.  I wanted to focus on chemistry.  But now that i graduated and i will continue phd in switzerland, i think i would like to give it a try in my love life.  After all, i want to be normal. Lol.

Anyway, so i did. First i tried to fix my appearance.  I improved the way i dressed.  I improved my hairstyle.  Then i tried to go out on dates. With different guys.  But anyway i just treated them like my friends so i guess they werent really dates.  Haha. One person was different though... I think we were in the same frequency and we were similar, so i thought he was a good match for me.

I learned a lot from this experiment.  And with every experiment you gotta report the results... And well here is my "experimental report." 

During one month, i treated this guy very kindly and i knew i was fit to be a good girlfriend. I knew that i was very understanding and kind and most importantly i was comfortable with myself and i knew myself and i could express myself very well. I could actually figure a way to communicate my feelings to other people and made myself understood well by my anyone.  So i knew i was really a good catch, and i did not lack anything.  

The guy i like, however, was not ready.  After much research and this experiment, i have realized one thing more about guys.  When they arent ready, it doesnt matter if you are ready... Nothing will ever happen.  Guys only respond when they are already at that point in their lives when they are ready for relationships.  When theyre not ready, theyre not.  And this doesnt mean that they wont come back.  They know you are a good catch and sometime in the future if you keep in contact with him and keep kind and cool, he will come back for sure.  When he is ready.  Sometimes guys only marry the girl who is there when they are ready.  It is that simple. 

So this guy i liked, i figured that he wasnt ready.  I knew that he liked me or he was at least attracted to me.  We are good friends.  Nothing was wrong with me.  It was just the time.  Timing. Timing is everything. 

i felt sad of course, not being able to get my "target product." But i was not devastatingly sad.  Not like previous heartbreaks.  I am actually glad i learned so much.  I learned that guys are very good.  I learned that most of my guy friends found me attractive.  Many guys actually like me but they dont want to approach me , maybe because i dont seem to be interested.  

I tried to give one guy a chance by going out with him a few times, he didnt say he likes me but he was very kind to me.  At first i didnt like him but now i started to like him more, but in a platonic way only.  He gave me a lot of comfort when i needed it. He was always there for me and gave me everything. And it felt good.  Suddenly, the design of man and woman and their roles in such relationships became clear to me.  The role of the guy was to pursue and the girl must be pursued and the feeling was so right and normal.  This role, which has been followed since the beginning of time, is a perfect design, and whoever made it was a genius. 

In that short span of time (one month) i was able to learn a lot of things.  I felt different things.  I felt high and felt so low. Sometimes, i lost my appetite just thinking of that person.  At night, i could not sleep. I lost a lot of weight without trying to lose weight.  I felt so happy when i was with him and i was able to bake him a cake.  I was very happy doing those things for him, and i had a very large energy reserve because there was no input of energy but there was a huge output of energy.  It was amazing, it was like power and it made me do all things.  I was able to jog three huge lapses when i was jogging with him. I was able to meet him coincidentally many times.  All these things brought my emotions to heaven.  After a month, my emotions were able to reach heaven and hell. Hell was when i was sad because he didnt do as i expected him.  Hell was when i did not understand why.  

But i learned one more important lesson: never expect from anyone. It doesnt matter who that person is to you.  You must never expect. Ever. Period.  When you dont expect, you make him feel happy.  You also feel happy too. 

As a conclusion, i think this guy and i would have been good together if the timing was right.  We had the same interests and we understood each other well.  It was just the timing.  For the next trial, i would like to try with him again when he is ready.  I will of course, try to find another guy who can be potentially a good partner to me.  But when i cant find another one,then it would be ideal to try again with this guy.

after my masters graduation

So guys it has been a while since my last post.  I have some great news.  I forgot if i have already put in my previous posts that i was accepted at the ETH Zurich in Switzerland.  It was not easy -- i mean the whole procedure of applying and in asking for recommendation letters and non-stop emailing and commiunicating with different professors and making yourself look very professional in front of other people and really trying to give the impression that you are a good catch, so they should "buy" you.  At the end of the hunting season for a new university for my phd, i was down to 3 choices.  1. Eth zurich 2. University of queensland and 3. Australian national university.  These are all very good universities. The reason why i got in two australian universities is because i really thought that i will continue my phd in australia.  I had my reasons.  1. The proximity of australia to my country of origin.  2. Well, i have friends there.  3.  the two australian univs mentioned above have pretty good rankings worldwide.  Particularly for ANU, which is located in Canberra, the aussie capital, has a high ranking, at least higher than Osaka university. ( well actually that depends, because some rankings put osaka university higher than ANU, i think.) anyway, i have asked my european friends about their impression on australian universities versus japanese universities and they told me that japanese universities have a better impression on europeans in general.  So that is a minus point.  When i was deciding which place to go,  i already have opted for ANU, even after learning about the reduced impressions on australian universities from the europeans.  I thought, "at the end of the day, they will be looking at a person based on the number of publications, aaaand australia is a good country." Never in my life did i expect tobe contacted again by prof. Bode from Eth.  I have applied to his group about two months back, and he replied to me, saying that he was impressed by my application and my credentials but his lab was full and they had "budget constraints." At that time, i thought that he was lying because how the hell can ETH, one of the best institutions of science in the whole world, run out of money? Anyway, i decided to send him a thank you reply because at least he did not ignored my mail and he was kind enough to take time to respond to me.  

Prof bode wrote me and said that i could try applying for another group and he referred me to a group.  This new group gave me a chance and interviewed me, made me do a presentation via skype and asked me some questions about my research. It was not easy and i was nervous as hell.  But at the end of the interview they told me that they were impressed and at that time i was not sure if that was true or not.  At long last, i got the offer from ETH, and by god, how can i say no? ETH -- i have been dreaming to go there and i never in my life expected that i would indeed be offered a phd position there.  The hard work paid off i guess.  I talked with my family that night and told them that i wanted to go there for my phd, despite the distance from my country.  its going to be different, but i know i will regret it if i dont go now.  So that, my friends, is the story why i am ending up at ETH.  And i am more than thankful.  

Reactions of people to this great news: 

 my friends who are studying science: they said "wow" and they were happy and envied me (but in a good manner)

 my friend in lab: was very happy for me

Europeans: "great! Now we can meet more often"

Non-science friends: "ohhh switzerland! Thats the one with the cows.... Wait, thats new zealand?"

Friends from my country: congratulations!

Friends from osaka university (secretaries, other profs): "i wanna visit you there in switzerland!" 

Friends from osaka university (students): "congratulations, you are free from suffering now!" and "oooohhh ETH university... That is the school of Einstein!" 

Well very few people actually know that ETH Zurich was einstein's alma mater.  Not many people are familiar with ETH and its fame lol.  It is actually near Ivy league.  I am so happy.

But of course, there is/are antagonist/s for a protagonist.  

Robot's comment: "it's easy to enter a western university." "Don't go to ETH, that is my suggestion. Go to australia." (And by the way, i NEVER EVER asked for his opinion.  He just randomly gave his opinion upon knowing that got three offers from big universities and one of them is ETH.)

Anyway, everything is fine now. I graduated.  And it was a happy day.  I wore Filipiniana during my graduation.  Sept 25, 2013.