Decisions

If I am making the right decision, why do I second think?  It’s really difficult to decide whether I stay or I go.  I have decided to go several months ago, but honestly I sometimes want to stay.  I feel terrible.  I feel lost.  Where is my direction? And which way do I go?

My parents don't even tell me what to do anymore.  They just support me.  I know- this is the wish of every young person.  To do whatever they want to do and just have the support of their loved ones.  No contradictions, No reasons.  Perhaps, as my sister have suggested, my parents already trust me and know that I already know what I am doing.  But now I come to a point where, I am questioning my decisions.  Do I really know what I am doing?  Do I really know what I am getting myself into? 

I don't know.  I honestly don't know if I am doing anything right.  I am so scared.  My friends told me that I am doing the right thing and that I am so brave.  But to be honest, they have no idea how scared and confused I am right now.

I have thought about this countless times and even sometimes I couldn't get sleep at night just considering about this idea of leaving my position in Japan.  I already have a position here, I am used to living here – but why will I move?  What is my reason?  Is it to find something that I am searching for?  But what am I searching for actually?  Am I really searching for something?  Or am I just making this all up as my alibi?  Will I learn better there?  Will my professor there be as kind as my professor here?  What will happen to me if I move there?  Will others think lowly of me?  What the hell am I doing?

I have so many endless questions, and I couldn't answer them all.  It seems to be that everything is so blurry.  I know what I want to do, but is that enough to support the consequences of my decisions?

Finally, I decided to leave.  I don't know what I must do, I don't know where to go.  I will leave.  So I applied to different professors.  I had to think not only twice, not only thrice.  I had to consider it again and again.  Each step that I made seemed like I was in a chess game.  One wrong move and it could affect everything that I worked so hard for. 

Now at this stage, I am doing my thesis and my applications to Australia.  I don't know if I am doing it right, but I am just throwing myself in the abyss.  I don't know what I am doing.  And up till now I am still questioning my decisions.  And I think it wont ever stop. My mind wont ever stop asking if I am doing this correctly.  I wish I could relie on someone, but I don't know who else to count on except myself.  Others are just my support system but no one can ever decide except me and no one can ever suffer or enjoy the consequences of this decision except me.  

Applications... major problem -- referees

Hi,
I am now applying for my PhD in other countries.  You know, gathering all necessary documents is stressful.  Writing essays about your capabilities and why you deserve a spot there is even more stressful.  But the most stressful of all, is asking for referee reports.

I have no idea what they will write about me.  It is based on the judgement of the professors on my capability.  There should be no problem if the professor has a wide perspective like for example my favorite professor (you-know-who).  But if the professor is quite stupid and quite an idiot, but I have no choice but to choose him as my referee, cause the number of professors I have worked with here are few (3), one is my favorite prof, the other is the idiotic robot and the third already left.

I dont know how much of an idiot robot is.  He just does not know how to read between the lines.  He is sooooo dense, you just cant get through him.  He is closed minded.  He does not see his mistakes.  And that is what will kill him in his career.  Believe me.

I pity those students who will be under his supervision like me.  I pray that nobody will experience this kind of situation.  Can you imagine, when he went back from his business trip today, he only talked with the other members, actually he talked with everyone in his group, except me, as if i am not one of his students.  And when I actually achieve something, he will actually think he is MY  SUPERVISOR.  and the worst is, he does not even realize he is doing this.  He thinks he is doing his job.  It is the same with going together during lunch time.  If I go with them, he doesnt talk with me.  He talks with everyone.  And then, he goes asking me, what my problem is, why I dont go to lunch with them anymore?  I told him I was just busy.  But in my heart, I would have wanted to reply, "you idiot, you keep asking me to join you for lunch, and when I do, you fucking ignore me.  "Why the hell will I join you to lunch? to make myself look stupid?!"  Of course I wont say that, I dont want to say bad words to him directly... Moreover, I dont want him to talk to me during lunch just because I said so.  I want it to come naturally from him. I dont want it to be forced just for me to feel good.  And even then I dont feel good too, because I know that he only did it because I said so.  DAMNED STUPID GUY.

Now I dont know how an idiot like him could get a PhD degree from a well-known university,  how could he be so stupid?!? My God, he is already 33 or 34, by now he should be more mature.  But he is not for his age.  If he were not my supervisor, I would have punched him by now.  Unfortunately, he is my supervisor, and so I couldnt do anything to him.

I hope one day he realizes what he is doing to me.  But I dont know if that hope is even possible, with the level of ignorance he has.   GRRRRRRRRR....

I told him (with a smile), that his referee report is very important criteria if i will get the scholarship abroad or not.  Then he replied " if i check all positive points, it would be unrealistic, so i will evaluate you only realistically."  god i feel mad.  Im not saying "praise me unrealistically." what i am saying is please highlight my positive points (if he sees any at all, f*cking moron.) What I am saying is that what he says about me matters a lot and I just want him to remember that when he is filling up the form.  I am not telling him to cheat the recommendation form.  HOW CAN A PERSON BE SO STUPID and think that HE IS NOT STUPID?

I just needed to vent out my anger.  thanks blogger for giving me this space.